The Curse Of The Would-Be Jedi
by zahra

Most people wouldn't think it to look at him -- but Hurley could've been a contender. Not like in the boxing sense or anything, because Hurley's really not a violent guy. Actually he's about as passive as anybody, probably more so with the whole hippie-parents-in-a-camper-van-thing, but he's a big guy, and he's tall. He could totally be a contender in the Island Man of the Year contest if he lost a little weight - and cut his hair - and learned how to be a huge jackass. Or a doctor. Or a soldier. Or something. He'd still be Hurley of course; he'd just be somebody else too. At the very least he'd convince other people that he could be someone else besides the fat guy; and it's a difficult job for a Jedi to do when he doesn't look like Obi-Wan Kenobi and have a lightsaber strapped to his waist so he can entertain people with his feats of derring-do and Jedi mind tricks.


It's not like Hurley doesn't know he's fat. His mom always called him big boned; his dad would just pat his own rather large belly and say if graduate school didn't work out, he could always play Santa during the winter holidays.

It's kind of funny - except not really, because Hurley doesn't want to be Santa just because everyone thinks he's the Jolly Fat Guy. It's not like there's much call for a St. Nick his age in Santa Clarita - they don't even get snow when it's cold; and he's not always jolly, even though he's fat. It's not his fault he has a weakness for Toaster Strudel. It's a slippery slope where sweets are concerned for him - he'd never say it's his metabolism.

Just because Charlie is all skinny and thin - what exactly does he think? That Hurley's wearing some fat suit that he can just unzip- and voila? That Hurley's really a skinny guy in disguise?

Hurley likes Charlie most of the time because he sees Hurley for Hurley and not for all the padding on the outside, but sometimes, he's really glad when Charlie goes off to moon over Claire, because Charlie can really start to grate.

It's possible that Charlie might have a thing for him, which is not unheard of, or maybe it's just big people in general, because Charlie's crazy about Claire too, and she's like a beach ball on legs with the pregnancy thing.

Or maybe it's because he's English and was in a band.

Whatever it is about Charlie, Hurley likes him and all, but he doesn't need him wondering when Hurley's going to be all slim and trim and buff. Hurley's been doing that most of his life; he doesn't need any help.

No one's ever seen a fat Jedi.

Maybe he could be the first -- or maybe not.


The average human loses like 250 hairs a day from their head, but there's no way Hurley could lose weight that fast, even living on berries and nuts -- which makes him think of that song about 'if this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower' or a motorcycle or something.

He didn't give much thought to the motorcycle thing before Charlie, but now, well, he would be really cool with a motorcycle so he could just rev the engine on his Harley -- he wouldn't have any other bike but a Hog, because it's the Millennium Falcon of motorcycles - but once he had one, he could just tear out of, um, the caves.

Yeah, the island isn't so good for supporting the whole biking cross-country thing, mostly because there's fucking sand everywhere, and trees and bugs, and dude, being the fat guy on a tropical island is just not cool. The sweat and the nastiness and all the damn heat are just insane, but when they get back to the states they're totally going to the Harley-Davidson store in San Jose to try out their Hogs. Hurley will show Charlie that there's nothing wrong with being a big guy - because that's all Hurley is - he's just a big guy. Maybe he'll even get a tattoo that says that, and anyway he's a smart guy, too. Maybe he's not all MacGyver like Sayid or Mr Bitter like Sawyer - actually Hurley really doesn't want to think of Sawyer, like, ever.

The point in all this being that Hurley knows he's not the fastest guy or the hottest or the whatever, but that's not what Jedis are about - Jedis are about control and zen and being cool. Jedis are the people that everyone else looks to to set the mood, and that's what Hurley tries to do. He wants people to laugh and lighten up and relax. He's just trying to make people feel good; it's not a crime, and it's not his fault if everybody doesn't see his efforts - he knows they're there - other people just need to look a little harder.


The golf course seemed like such an obvious thing, Hurley can't believe no one else thought of it before him - of course everybody else was so worried about eating and stressing, and whatever, dude, they're on an island. People pay thousands of dollars normally to do stuff like what they're doing right now. Okay, without the whole stranded thing but that night over dinner, Hurley notices people watching him eat and the Chinese - no, Korean lady gives him some of her fish, and Hurley's not really hungry, but he takes it anyway, because he guesses she's just trying to be nice.

People always seem to think they know what Hurley wants just because he's big, like when they eat dinner, Hurley always catches people looking at how much food he takes, because they assume that he's eating more than his share, but that's not how he is at all.

That's the problem with people though, they assume and they think that because Hurley's a big guy that he can't do what everybody else can. They think he takes more and gives back less - and dude, that's just not cool.

All Hurley does is give.

Like with Jack, all Hurley wants to do is help Jack out, because Jack's the doctor and he's helping people, and Hurley wants to help people; it's why he's trying to be a social worker. It's why he's in grad school in the first place, but he can tell that Jack gets exasperated and weird about Hurley being around all the time, and that's cool, because Hurley gets tired of Jack too.

He gets tired of the holier-than-thou thing, and how Jack is all angsty because Kate likes Sayid... and Sawyer... and pretty much all the hot guys on the island. She'd probably like Hurley too, if Hurley were like Jack - but the thing about it is that even though Hurley wants to be like Jack, he is so not after Jack's ass like that.

He hangs around because he's trying to help, not because he's all into Jack - which he's pretty sure can't be said for Boone - but because he likes to give.

Sometimes people can't see that - but that's the thing about being nice and being fat most people can't see one thing for the other.


It's not easy being the fat, nice guy on the island and sometimes Hurley wants to tell people this. Sometimes he wants to ask what they're staring at, or why they think he should take less than everybody else just because there's more of him. When he's really stressed out he thinks of himself as Luke Skywalker training to be a Jedi, and he thinks about what Yoda would say in his backwards English --'Do or do not, there is no try.'

So Hurley does.

He knows people don't think he's good for anything; he knows that he's always being underestimated, but he thinks that's what really makes him not just a contender, but a competitor, because he's found a purpose on the island and that's to make people relax.

Anybody can make people sad and depressed and angry - just look at him-who-Hurley-won't-name -- it takes a lot more strength to try and make things better for other people.

It's what Hurley's trying to do.

It's what any good Jedi would do.


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