Five Scenes From That Long Lost Disney Movie 'Big Gay Pirates'
by Selena Ulrich

1.

"Sweetie? Honey?" Anne-Marie leant on the wheel. "I know you're jonesing for the tall blonde boy and your secret desire to get some man-lovin' off him but that doesn't mean you have to drag the rest of us off n a suicide mission!"

Jack gasped in big gay outrage.

"I am not!" he said. "You take that back right now or I'll point out to everyone how badly a 40ish white woman with cellulite is trying to pretend to be a black Caribbean pirate queen!"

"Honey," said Anne-Marie, "I'd rather be doing my accent that yours! What the hell are you suppose to sound like anyway, a drunken drag queen!"

"It's Keith Richards with a martini!"

"Honey, if it really was, don't you think I'd be sitting back right now with him, rather than trying to drive his stupid ship?!"

"Guys, guys, guys!" Will walked over to them making pacifying hand gestures. "C'mon! This isn't the time to fight. We've got important rescuing to do."

"Oh you're a fine one to talk, Mr I-wanna-kill-myself-for-a-blonde-with-no-dress-sense!" snapped Anne-Marie. "Not that I don't think you'd make the perfect couple in that respect, except I don't think she eats fruit!"

 

"Apple?" asked Captain Barbosa.

Elizabeth made a grab for the apple but missed and ended up sprawled on the floor.

"I'm OK!" she shouted. "I'm OK! I just..uh, lost a contact lens and suddenly remembered I had to look for it or else I'd not be able to admire your studly pirate-y goodness. Woodness! I mean woodness! As in the floor! Not as in your manhood or anything like that and oh dear god, I've got to stop hanging out with gay men!"

Barbosa shrugged.

"Well at least yer can't blame the dress for that fall," he said to himself

 

2.

"Weeell, ain't this a kick in the pants!" growled Anne-Marie. She was looking less than glamorous now - her hat was gone, there was a strategically stylish smug of soot on one cheek, and worst of all, her blouse was threatening to clash with her trousers! "One minute we're being boarded by that ungrateful wretch of an ex-cleaner of mine and his pirate crew, the next we're locked up in some godforsaken bilge-filled cage without even a Tylenol to make the time pass quicker!" She glared at the occupant of the other cage. "This is all your fault Will Turner! If you hadn't gotten all Good-Fairy-Of-The-North on us, I'd be soaking up the rays on some Caribbean island with Jack and Elizabeth! I'll never forgive you as long as Stan may live!"

"What are you talking about?" shouted Will. "I saved your life! If I hadn't begged Barbosa to spare the crew you'd currently be sitting at the bottom of Davey Jones Foot Locker!"

"Yeah, well, at least then I'd have some shoes to sneer at!" shouted Anne-Marie. "Now all I can do is sit around here and hope that Jack can tear himself away from your self-hating-blonde-converter-wannabe for long enough to come rescue us!"

"Are you kidding me?" said Will. "Jack and Elizabeth? They hate each other. They're probably at each other's throats even as we speak!"

 

"Y'know, the neck on this one is great!" said Elizabeth, staring in the mirror at the new dress she was trying on. "And you say you spend three days doing this last time?"

"Pretty much," said Jack, rummaging through the rest of the clothing trove. "Of course, the clubhouse was still open back then so I could always hold my own against them in the karaoke challenges."

"Wow. I never realise the Caribbean had so many drag smugglers."

"Yeah, well, offence honey but what you don't know could fit inside the hold of my ship," snarked Jack. Then he gasped. "Oh my god!" he cried, holding up a handbag. "Prada!"

 

3.

"Well at least we got off the island!"

Jack scowled. The greatest collection of fashion accessories and tasteful-if-oversized shoes in the Caribbean and that fag hag had burnt it all just to start a signal fire! At least, that's what she claimed; secretly Jack suspected it was because she felt they all made her ankles look fat. Whatever her reasoning, he was no longer talking to Elizabeth; in fact, he had gone so far as to Spurn Her, but unfortunately the self-obsessed wench was too absorbed in her own problems to notice.

"Oh c'mon Jack!" said Elizabeth. "It's not like they were worth anything to you! I mean, there was nobody else on the island but you and me and I've already seen your Cher impression like a hundred times!"

"That's not the point!" snapped Jack, enraged enough to forget the silence. "You do not deny a gay man the chance to dress up like his favourite female diva! It's against the code!"

"Ah, I see you're admitting it at last!"

Both Jack and Elizabeth turned to see the handsome figure of the dashing Commodore walk onto the poop deck. Both jaws dropped.

"Woah...mama!" said Elizabeth.

"I know!" said Jack. "I never thought Royal Navy trousers were so spacious!"

"Back off queer boy!" snapped Elizabeth. "This one's mine. He's dragged half the Royal Navy across the Caribbean just to look for me!"

"In your dreams!" scoffed Jack. "I'm sorry honey; that may not be a pistol in his pocket but it's certainly not because he's pleased to see you!"

He smiled seductively at the Commodore. The Commodore was unmoved.

"You can desist in your pirate tricks this instant Captain Sparrow," he said. "I only have eyes and heart for my beloved Elizabeth whose beauty has enchanted me ever since that day on the fort."

"Hah! See? In your face!" hissed Elizabeth as Jack's face fell.

"What's that you say?" asked the Commodore with a frown.

"Oh, uh, nothing!" Elizabeth tried smiling charmingly and ended up with an inane grin. "So, tell me more about how enchanting my beauty is."

"No, no," said the Commodore. "I heard it distinctly. You want me to turn back and go looking for young Mr Turner!"

"What?" said Elizabeth.

"Yes," said the Commodore. "I see it in your eyes. Despite your promise of marriage I realise your heart truly belongs to that blacksmith."

"No it doesn't!" cried Elizabeth.

"Oh honey, stop deluding yourself," muttered Jack.

"Oh cruel fate!" cried the Commodore, taking the opportunity to emote. "My love's heart belong to another! Still, I am not a monster. If your heart truly belongs to this Will Turner then I will turn this ship about and seek to rescue him."

"No! Wait!" cried Elizabeth. "We don't have to do that! I mean, Will's a prisoner surrounded by dozens of hot sweaty men he'll be having the time of his life!" She turned to her pirate companion. "Dammit Jack," she hissed, "do something to help!"

"Well I do a very good line in consolatory back-rubs" said Jack, smiling seductively at the Commodore again.

 

4.

"All right mister," snapped Anne-Marie marching stridently across the cavern, "I've had just about enough of this!" She stood before Barbosa, hands on hips. "You and your fancy-schmancy pants curses and lootin' and going 'arrr!' with your pirate-y crew are just a big ol' excuse not to come back and clean my house for me!"

"Why you lill'" snarled Barbosa, slipping into his natural Mexican accent. "You think it easy to clean your palace! You think it fun!"

"I think it's gonna be a lot more fun than when I'm through with you Mr Immigration-Happens-To-Other-People!"

"Why you no-good, drug-riddled, drunken ol' harpy..."

And so they began to argue; a loud, continuous argument where both spoke so rapidly and so in time that neither could be heard, the anger and fury building into a crescendo of noise that echoed through the cave and threatened to shake the very stalagmites and stalactites from their foundations, until Anne-Marie suddenly flung her arms around Barbosa with a cry of

"Oh 'bosa, I've missed you!"

"I missed you too," admitted Barbosa, returning the hug. "But I can't come back and work for you until I broken the curse."

"Oh that's easy!" said Anne-Marie dismissively. She turned round. "Jack sweetie, would you do the honours?"

Jack nodded and swiftly drew his knife blade across Will's palm.

"Ow!" cried Will. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Amusement," grinned Jack, twisting Will's hand so the blood fell onto the coins. In a flash the curse was lifted! Barbosa was whole! Jack was whole! And Will and Elizabeth were still single and co-dependent on each other, but they seemed happy regardless.

"Now 'bosa," said Anne-Marie, "do you think you could be a sweetie and give Jack his ship back?"

"Of course!" said Barbosa. "I never wanted the stinking heap in the first place."

"Hey!" said Jack. "I'll let you know that 'stinking heap' was once owned by Cher herself!"

"Yes, during the lesser-known 'pirating' part of her career," snarked Will.

"Mock all you want, Will Turner," sniffed Jack, adjusting the tiara and earrings he had liberated from the hoard, "but that ship is a classic and nothing is going to stand between me and it again!"

"Not so fast, pirate!" cried the Commodore, arriving with over a dozen men. "You're under arrest!"

Jack sighed.

"Why must all the cute ones be so obsessional?" he asked.

 

5.

"I want you to know," said Will as the soldiers closed in on them, "that whatever the consequences of my actions here I had to do this." He looked at Jack. "For he is an honourable and noble man."

"Uh-huh" said Jack. "Tell you what. If you're so insistent on doing this, why don't you just let me nip off while you get impaled on all these swords for me?"

"You know, that's just typical of you Jack!" Will put down his sword and put his hands on his hips. "You're only ever thinking about yourself! Why can't you consider other people's feelings for a change instead of just feeling other people?"

"Oh you're a fine one to talk about being considerate!" snapped Jack. "Dragging me across the Caribbean just to rescue some blonde with worse dress sense than yours!"

"I had to!" cried Will. "She's the love of my life!"

"Right, you just keep telling yourself that Mr I'm-so-deep-in-the-closet-I-can-see-Narnia!"

"Um, excuse me," said the Governor, "but could we possibly skip all the dashing banter and get on with the hanging of Captain Jack Sparrow?"

"Never!" cried Will, standing before Jack. "If you want him, you'll have to go through me first!"

"And me!" cried Elizabeth, pushed her way through the crowd and standing before Will.

"Don't look at me," said Anne-Marie from by the edge of the fort, "I'm just here for the free drinks."

All eyes turned to her.

"Anne-Marie!" cried Jack. "You came back to save me!"

"Actually sweetie, I came back to save everyone," admitted Anne-Marie reluctantly. "Y'see I've realised that as much as I might bitch about you guys, we're a team, and there's no way I could let Will or Elizabeth take he fall for saving your life. They're special. You're special. We're all special."

"Really?" asked Elizabeth.

"No, I just came for Jack! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Anne-Marie laughed shrilly. "Now c'mon sweetie, it's Happy Hour on Tortuga and those margaritas and young, available bartenders are singing to the pair of us! You coming?"

"Yo ho me hearties!" cried Jack. And with that they both dived off the fort into the sea and the waiting ship below.

"Commodore!" cried the Commodore's second-in-command, "Shall we go after them?"

"No," sighed the Commodore. "Unfortunately we need them for the sequel." He turned to Will. "So, fancy a shag?" he asked.

 

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