Buried Above The Clouds
Fix me now, I wish you would fix me now
Bring me back to life... fix me now
Kiss me blind, somebody should... fix me now
From hollow into light
When Lance was seven and he was on holiday with his family at the beach, his skin burned hot and weathered by the warm breeze, he found the broken form of a bird lying at the base of a sand dune. At first he thought it was dead but when he inched closer he noticed it twist slightly in pain. Its wing bent at an unnatural angle and Lance could clearly see it was broken.
When he moved closer he saw its filmy eye blink open, once, twice. A slow stilted movement, speckled with green and Lance almost thought he could see himself reflected back in that look. The small broken body of the bird still shook and Lance was suddenly overcome with a feeling of sadness.
He wanted to help, he could feel that strongly but he was pretty sure if he ran back to where his family was they'd be too late to do anything.
Instead he acted.
He scooped up the small form in his hand, grit of sand against his skin and he cocooned it gently in his grasp and ran back across the sand dunes. He was breathless by the time he arrived, his lungs burned almost like they were on fire and he took a moment before he could even speak.
His momma looked worried, her eyes wide and startled and when he finally managed to tell her what was wrong she looked almost as shocked and worried as he himself had done.
He held out his hands to her, the bird clutched in his grasp and only then did he notice that it no longer moved. The one eye he could see stared openly at nothing and the bird's beak was open and felt cold against the palm of Lance's hand.
He didn't know what to do. His momma wrapped her arms around him and said that he'd done his best, that he'd done a good thing when he'd tried to save it. But Lance thought it had been his fault that it had died and if he'd left it maybe he would have been able to save it.
She had run her hand through his hair and brushed away the tears he didn't even know were on his cheeks and she'd kissed him.
She'd told him that some things couldn't be saved, no matter how hard you tried. Some things were too broken and no matter how hard you held on to them they couldn't be fixed.
That hadn't made Lance cry any less.
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
Bury me above the clouds
All the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear
Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy ever more,
Everything I had to give gave out long before
When Lance was 17 and far away from his family in Germany, he tried not to let that fact get to him. He tried not to feel alone and unloved. Instead he relied on Chris' jokes, and Justin and Joey acting like idiots to cheer him up.
And Lance relied on JC to make him realise it didn't matter where he was in the world he was never alone.
One night after JC had walked in on Lance crying after yet another argument with Lou, JC showed him exactly how much he loved Lance.
Together, alone.
JC showed Lance in one night more than Lance had ever learnt in his whole life so far.
But Lance still remembered.
So when JC asked him, his voice unsure and trembling slightly if Lance wanted to make this a more regular thing, Lance had said no. He'd said he didn't want that and that he was sure JC didn't want it either.
They'd argued and JC had told him that he did want it and that he loved Lance but Lance was firm. He didn't listen when JC pleaded with him, his voice rising high; he didn't listen when JC's voice became louder. He didn't listen when JC swore at him, his face made ugly as the words he almost spat out at Lance escaped, when JC demanded to know why? Why Lance had let him do what they'd just done if he didn't want more?
Lance tried not to listen, in his mind he could see sand and hear the sound of waves crashing on a beach and he could taste tears, salty in his mouth and on his face and he could see broken feathers and lifeless eyes.
Lance didn't want to give JC anything because he knew that things always ended up broken and no matter how hard you held on to some things, once broken they could never be fixed.