by Morvoren

Brian remembers what it was like before. He remembers when his life was about fucking and sucking and drugs and it wouldn't really have mattered if he was positive, since he wasn't really planning on living past thirty-three anyway. He remembers his reputation as Brian Kinney, the hottest guy in Pittsburgh, the king of the Babylon back room, the ultimate master of the 'fuck 'em and leave 'em', the one-night stand.

That was before.

This is later, when it's all blue eyes and blond hair and a long, lean, young body that would do anything for him. He remembers the love and devotion in those blue eyes and how every time he saw it, saw those feelings he scorned them and mocked them and went out to be Brian Kinney again. To escape.

And then one day he saw those blue eyes staring and he didn't see that love or devotion. He saw uncertainty, the resignation of being the "boyfriend" of Brian Kinney. The knowledge that, no matter what he gave, Brian wasn't going to give him anything back but the scorn.

And so he left. Found someone new, and came home to Brian every night smelling of his other lover, those blue eyes sleepy and sated and happy. Just like they used to be. Brian saw, and he knew, and so he used Justin more and tried to get back Brian Kinney. And eventually, the blue eyes showed only hate, and then the blue eyes and the blond hair turned and stalked out of his life.

He refused to admit it was different, that it was never the same without Justin around, and even if the people around him noticed they didn't let on. Brian became Brian Kinney again, the fucking and sucking king. And he went home every night with someone with blond hair and blue eyes, because it was different.

Brian remembers those days, and it wasn't until Justin came back that he could find that something, that measure of peace that radiated from those blue eyes and angel face. And so Brian Kinney left, and it was just Justin and Brian again, but it was still different. This time, it was Justin that accepted that Brian was never going to change. And he remained.

That was before.


Brian remembers those days, when he had everything his money, his house, his car, everything and Justin on top of it all. Now, he's got nothing but the boy with blue eyes that broke something inside of him and made him everything he's ever scorned. Because Justin made Brian better. And then, to top it all off, every move he's made over the last few weeks has screamed that fact to the world.

He wonders if his life would have been better if he was still Brian Kinney, king of the back room, the biggest whore in Pittsburgh, living exactly the way he wanted and dead at thirty-three.

Or if it's Justin that will finally kill him.


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