Empty Places
"Zoe?"
She's standing on the footpath outside Thames House. Just standing, staring at something you can't see. She turns to look at you and her eyes are large, her skin pale.
"Ruth." Her voice is scratchy and her eyes don't quite connect. "I didn't see you there."
You place a hand on her wrist and she stiffens. Then she relaxes – melts – and you wonder if she is going to fall, if you will have to catch her.
"Come with me." You pull her towards you a little and she nods. She tucks an arm through yours and your chest jumps and tightens. You try to trick yourself, tell yourself that you can't understand it. Except that you do understand, and there's no real way to quell the desires reaching towards the surface.
You navigate the short distance to your house and fumble with your keys as you try to unlock the front door. She's looking at you like she's never seen you before, and you fight the urge to hold her. You blush and look away, tucking an imaginary strand of hair behind your ear.
You finally unlock the door and she follows you inside. She stands in the middle of the room, looking small and crushed and lost, and you wonder what on earth she's thinking.
"I know, it's just small," you say. "But it's just me and the cat, and you know, I don't get many visitors, and I'm not really into all that fancy stuff . . ."
She gives you half a smile and turns away. You step towards her slowly, as if you expect her to flinch or run away. She doesn't move, though, just stands there with her head down as you wrap your arms around her.
She exhales, and her knees collapse. You sink to the floor with her, and she buries her head in your shoulder, and your shoulder is wet and you realise she is crying.
"Zoe?" You pull away from her a little. Her hair is messy around her face and her eyes are red and puffy. You look at her and she's beautiful, and you want her more than you've wanted anything before.
She shakes her head. "I can't comprehend . . . it just doesn't seem real." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "How could he leave us like that?"
"I know." Your whisper joins hers, and you tangle your fingers through her hair and lean towards her. Suddenly her lips are on yours and her arms are around you. You want to pinch yourself to check it's not a dream.
Her tongue slips between your lips and you moan with happiness. You pull at her shirt, lifting and pushing the soft material away. Her hands slip under your hair, tickling the soft, warm skin at the top of your neck. You push her shirt over her head and she pulls away from you for a moment.
"This isn't about Tom, you know." she gives you her half smile again and you reach behind her to remove the last of her clothes. "I just wanted you to understand that."
You nod as you move her onto her back, and your lips move again. Your hands move across her body and you shiver, as if you can't believe this is happening. She arches into your hands and you move your mouth from her lips, to her neck, to her breasts. She gasps and she pulls at your clothes and you're filled with happiness.
You'd like to believe that she's with you because she wants you. You'd like to believe that there's nothing else influencing her, that Tom's departure didn't drive her towards you.
You'd like to believe that she loves you the way you love her.
But you catch her eye as she rolls you onto your back and you can't fool yourself. You know she'll leave soon, without a word, and this will be nothing more than a pleasant memory that can be kept away for an empty night.
And as her mouth explores your skin, you wonder if a little bit of Zoe will be better than nothing at all.