Dear World
Dear World,
If you are reading this, I am dead. I don't really care much but I suppose everyone will want a goodbye or something. So goodbye to everyone.
Goodbye Crabbe and Goyle; you may not be very smart but you stuck by me and that counts for something.
Goodbye Pansy; I never really understood you but I know you liked me. Too bad for you I love someone else. We are more alike than you think, Pansy. You like someone who can't like you back and I love someone who won't love me. I'm somewhat regretful that it couldn't have been another way. You might've made a good Mrs. Malfoy.
Goodbye Mother; you never paid me much attention but I know you love me. You are my mother after all. Malfoy's just don't show much emotion, I understand that. I'm sorry if what I've done to myself makes you cry.
Goodbye Father; please don't hate me. All I've ever wanted from you was for you to be proud of me, for you to look at me as an asset, not a burden. I realize now that such a thing could never have happened. You could never be proud of me for who I am, only proud of the persona I try to exude. You'd never like the real me, the me who likes boys more than girls. You always were a homophobe. I'm sorry I can't carry on the family name, but I suppose I wouldn't have anyway, so it doesn't matter.
Goodbye Professor Snape; you always were my favourite professor. Thank you for listening and giving advice. I could never really thank you in person. That would have damaged the image I made for myself. I suppose in death my image won't matter.
And last of all, but most definitely not least - Goodbye Harry Potter - I know you don't believe me but I've always loved you. Ever since we met in Diagon Alley, you've captivated me. You refused my friendship; something no one else has ever done. I always got what I wanted - everything except you. I only insulted you so you would notice me. If I hadn't you wouldn't have known I was alive. Of that I am sure. I just wanted you to be a part of my daily life and to be a part of yours. I suppose you would have never let me in. I had to pretend to hate you to protect myself. It was a mask for my true feelings. I guess I was too good at it.
I don't think I ever told you how all-consuming the thought of you is, was, whatever. You'll understand the depths of my infatuation and love if you look in my trunk. At the bottom there should be several notebooks and journals. Two of the notebooks are collections of your newspaper clippings. Every time you were in the paper, even if it was just your name, I cut it out and pasted it in the notebook. They're almost full as you can see. The journals contain daily entries of our interactions. They start from about third or fourth year. If I had had you from the beginning it never would have become like that. The journals were the only way I had of keeping every memory of you. There weren't enough for me to be satisfied with simply what I could remember. Writing it down was more practical. The other notebook is a series of sketches of you, mostly from memory. There was never a chance for me watch you long enough to draw you. However, there is a particularly lifelike one of you flying. I hid in the Quidditch stands during one of your practices and I made it then. I cannot know if the expressions on your face in many of the pictures are accurate. They are simply what I thought you would look like when you told me you loved me. You don't and I've never seen what that particular face would look like so I can't know if my artistic renderings are correct.
You may wonder why I have decided to end my life. No doubt everyone else wants to know as well. Well, they can all go fuck themselves, but you - Harry - you deserve an answer, even if no one else does, and I could never deny you anything. Not really. Do you remember last week after our Potions N.E.W.T., when I cornered you in that hallway? You probably do. I think I made an impression, and not a good one at that. Well, in any case your words made an impression on me; a bigger impression than anything you've ever said to me in the seven years we've been going to school together. You told me to sod off. I asked if that would make you happy. Why would I care what made you happy, you wanted to know. I told you all I'd ever wanted was to make you happy. I said that your happiness meant the world to me. You said, 'then why don't you die and leave me alone. Go back to your dungeon, die and get out of my life.' Do you remember? I'm not quite sure you meant what you said but that doesn't matter. I know you want me out of your life. Tomorrow will be graduation day and officially the last day that I would have been able to see you on a daily basis. I only just realized this yesterday. Since then I've been making plans to do away with myself. I couldn't live without seeing you every day. In actuality, I'm doing us both a favour. I can't live without you everyday and you don't want me in your life. With me gone, I won't have to live without you and you get rid of me. Don't feel guilty, Harry. I don't want you to feel guilty. Be happy. You said you'd be happy if I were dead, so I am. I truly hope you're happy. After all, that's all I've ever wanted.
Please, Harry, don't let anyone be sad. I'd much rather be dead than be alive without you. They shouldn't mourn me. I want this, or at least I deserve this. I don't deserve you. You are Harry Potter, the Golden Boy, the Boy-Who-Lived, while I am only me. I don't really matter at all to you, do I? It doesn't matter. I don't matter to anyone now.
All that remains is the division of my meagre possessions. Everything that I own is left for Harry Potter. If he does not want something, he can decide what to do with it. I don't care as long as he gets everything first.
I suppose that is all that there is left for me to do. Except for one thing. I cannot leave this world without telling my one secret that I have kept for all of seven years. Although, it's probably quite apparent in this letter, I need to write it out in simple words. Harry Potter, I love you. That is my secret. I love you. It feels nice to write it out. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE HARRY POTTER. I really do. I know you don't believe me, but it's the truth. Goodbye, Harry.
Yours in life and in death,
Draco Malfoy