No Beloved Sister
by Katta

Whenever I'm overwhelmed by my longing I lie down under Salikon, pushing hard against the ground until the earth has marks from my hands and feet. Sometimes from my face, as well -- occasionally, the ground has been wet enough for me to sink into it a little. Only a little. Never enough.

Mom and Dad look at me like I've gone crazy. Why is that? Mud baths are supposed to be healthy, aren't they?

I go into my room and take off the dirty clothes. So far mom hasn't demanded that I start washing them myself. If I were her, I would be a lot less patient. I feel guilty for causing her and dad so much trouble, but that doesn't stop me.

I wash off the dirt and pick out some new clothes, choosing between my prettiest outfits. It's always tight tops, short skirts, and lots of makeup. Mom and dad have twin frowns when I come down. That much I see before I leave.

A god-damned puppy isn't enough. It wasn't a playmate I needed.

I'm not very particular about the details. If I were, I'd really go crazy, because something's always wrong. The hair is too short or shines the wrong way. The eyes aren't bright enough.

The smile is never right. I like them better when they're serious.

One of them smiled constantly. She smiled when we met. She smiled when I kissed her nipples and when she kissed mine. Games, games... They like it so much. I like it too. But it's not like real adventures.

She would always be smiling, and I would always ignore her smiles, keep on with the games, pretend for as long as I could. When I no longer could, I let her know, like I always do. They get sad. That's a pity, of course.

She got sad. And when she did, she stopped smiling.

I almost pulled her back through the doorway again. Lalla-Lee, darling, there you are! It was all a misunderstanding. Just don't smile, and everything will be as it used to. We can go on playing games, and then you'll show me your adventures again, won't you? The roses of Salikon will bloom, the hole in the ground will swallow me, everything will be just fine.

Fortunately, I managed to stop myself. It was mostly the thought of more smiles that scared me off. Next time, I picked another girl. That one's eyes were all wrong.

She has to be somewhere, right? Since I am. I can't be just one. How would that look?

There always has to be two. She didn't understand. But I understand, and I will find her.

I will.


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