Except For Charlize Theron
by Jennifer-Oksana

Harmony did NOT get it. How was a self-respecting vampire gal trying to make it in the big city supposed to respect herself when every vamp she knew was crazy for Slayer booty? And Buffy booty, at that. Harmony wasn't, like, intimately familiar with Buffy's body, but she'd seen her change for fourth-period gym for a semester, and wow, the ways Buffy didn't have breasts. Or hips. Or a girl body in any way.

But display that prime piece of board around Wolfram and Hart, and ding ding ding, it was boyvamp Spanish fly!

She didn't get it.

"Stupid Spike," Harmony cursed into her (literally) Bloody Mary, twisting the celery stick angrily. "Stupid Angel. Stupid Slayer."

The door to the bar swung open and Harmony, always hoping to spy a celeb, looked over for a quick glance. No such luck, of course, though she looked a lot like Jennifer Garner.

Harmony sighed, returned to her Bloody Mary, and took a long, self-pitying sip. For a child of darkness, she felt a lot like a woman dependent on a crappy secretary job to keep her Hermosa Beach apartment with few friends and no romance on her horizon.

How had she, Harmony Kendall, ended up so...so...boring? Except for the fangs, she was supernormal. And at this point, she'd break her rule about threesomes if it meant something exciting happened like an orgasm.

"Hey, you work at Wolfram and Hart, don't you?" someone asked, tapping her on the shoulder.

"Yeah, unfortunately," Harmony said darkly, looking over her shoulder to see Discount Jenny Garner. Geez, if she was going to do the look, the least she could do was to bring along Discount Michael Vartan, because yum, Michael Vartan. "Why?"

Discount Jennifer Garner smiled brightly. "Well, I sort of work there, too, and I'm new, don't know too many people, and you are by far the best-dressed person in here," she said. "Hi. I'm Eve."

"Harmony," she said, vaguely interested. Oh, well, it was better than being alone and wishing they'd turn on The Next Joe Millionaire instead of baseball. "You want to sit down?"

"Yes," and Eve flashed her a dazzling smile, all teeth, and the vaguely interested part of Harmony got a little shiver. "I think I really, really do."

She slid her legs over the barstool, and Harmony noticed that this Eve had cool taste in clothes and nice, toned thighs. A little surprised at this noticing, Harmony covered by taking another drink of her Bloody Mary and swallowing fast.

"So...what are you drinking?" Harmony asked.

"I like cosmopolitans," Eve said coyly. "They're so Sex and the City."

"Oh my God, you like Sex and the City?" said Harmony, suddenly excited for reasons that had nothing to do with thighs. A friend! She was going to have a real live Los Angeles friend! Whose taste in clothes was not the suck! "I love Sex and the City. It's so cool."

Eve's smile was maybe a little bit predatory, but Harmony didn't care. She was kinda sorta in love. "I knew you would," she said, signaling to the bartender. "But the important question is...Britney or Christina?"


They were almost to Eve's apartment when a very important thought hit Harmony in the head like a cosmic two by four. Because what if her new friend thought this was some sort of thing? That would be of the bad, especially when Harmony had plans for Sex and the City viewing and regular dates for cosmos, manicures, and opening night of Julia Stiles movies.

"I'm not really a lez," she told Eve, whose blouse was half-opened and wearing Harmony's lip gloss on its collar. "I just think you're nifty."

"That's okay," Eve said, pinching Harmony's butt impishly. "I'm not gay, either. Sexy people just make me hot."

Harmony smiled. She was sexy! That would show Spike. Random girls wanted to have sex with Harmony because she was sexy, so he could just take his pretty blonde self and...go have sex with Angel. Then they could both cheat on Buffy together like the losers they were. Except it would be very hot, because boykissing was hot. And Spike boykissing was hotter than anything.

Speaking of, Harmony had something else to tell Eve. "I think you should know, you've made me change a rule," she said.

"Oh? What's that?"

"I always said my threesomes had to be boy, boy, girl, except for Charlize Theron," Harmony said very seriously.

Eve nodded. "That sounds about right. What's new?"

"Well, I guess now my threesomes have to be boy, boy, girl. Except for Charlize Theron...and Jennifer Garner," Harmony said, looking down. Eve laughed. "What?"

"Nothing," said Eve, reaching over and nibbling on Harmony's earlobe. "I just think I love you, that's all. In a best friends forever who sometimes have sex kind of way."

Harmony perked up. "That sounds good," she said. "You want to have sex now?"

Eve smiled and slid her skirt up a little further.

"Yes," she said.


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