Bittersweet Lovesong
by Jennifer-Oksana

Dee gets the shock of her life when she goes back to her rack after Boomer's death. Billy, all six feet plus of him, is sitting on her bunk, looking at his hands and trying to smile when he sees her.

"Why are you here?" Dee says quietly, scared to death that something's gone wrong. "Everything has gone nuts. Adama's awake, and he's seriously pissed at Roslin. Tigh is going to beat the shit out of you if you're discovered."

"Don't worry. I'll tell him everything I can," Billy says. "I couldn't go with them, Dee. I think they'll cause a civil war if they're not stopped."

Funny, Dee realizes as she sits next to Billy on her rack, everyone is calling Roslin and Lee a they now. It doesn't matter who else is involved, or what is between them, it will be Laura Roslin and Lee Adama until the end of time, the two prisoners of conscience who escaped.

"You think Tigh's military dictatorship was a better idea?" says Dee.

"I think President Roslin did the wrong thing when she sent Lieutenant Thrace to Caprica," Billy says. "Dee, she's not well. I don't even think Captain Adama understands how ill she is. She is sick, and when she is pushed too far physically, she makes insane decisions. Who knows what the gods will tell her next time they're forced to go three days without sleep, on poor rations with no chamalla?"

Dee realizes, as she puts her arm around Billy's waist, that Billy has come to love the president in his time as her aide. And that he is genuinely afraid of what will happen to her if she is left to her own devices.

"Everyone's gone a little crazy, Billy," Dee says. "Cally killed Boomer. In front of everyone. She just shot her. Tigh was already crazy. That makes Roslin less crazy by comparison. And Lee is with the president. I trust Lee."

Billy looks sad. "Lee's in love with her, a little," he says, awkwardly resting his head against Dee's. "We're all a little in love with her, you know? I mean, you didn't know President Roslin very well, but she had this way of making you feel like something was with her, that it would be all okay, she would take care of it. And it was such an honor to have her listen to you..."

He trails off because Dee brushes the stubble on his cheek, the tiny bit he has, not even enough to be five o'clock shadow, and he shivers a little.

"I know," Dee says. "But Apollo's got a good head on his shoulders. He'll be able to handle it."

"I know," Billy says. "But it's different with them. Captain Adama was the only person who ever mattered more to President Roslin than the big picture. Except I maybe mattered. Not like him, but I thought she listened to me a little. And I was jealous, but I couldn't follow her -- them -- down this path. Maybe I'll be wrong. I hope I'm wrong and peace breaks out and she leads us all to Earth and it all works out."

A big, fat, sloppy tear -- just one or two -- falls splat onto Dee's hand, which is covering Billy's.

"It will work out," she says. She's not sure that's true. In fact, Dee has the urge to shove Billy onto the next shuttle to anywhere, away from Galactica. Tigh is going to kill Billy if he can, especially because Billy will look like a pushover.

Tigh has lost bad, and he'll be looking to break someone, anyone he can. And the old man won't be as merciful as he might be, because it's Lee. Even though Dee and everyone knows better, knows that Apollo chose President Roslin, and now that Billy's explained it, there was no changing that.

She doesn't really give a frak. Lee and Roslin can take care of themselves and their crazy relationship. They engineered their own prison break in a matter of hours; their fates do not really matter to Dee except as part of her own life and the people she cares about.

Billy matters to her. Billy, who is gently unraveling in her arms. And Dee gets to kiss him without worrying, for the first time, if there are political motives under the personal ones. It's just him and her in the rack and when she pulls him close, his arms circle her easily.

"Have you done this before?" she asks as he kisses the side of her neck.

"Uh, once," Billy replies. "Back at school. It was really, uh, awkward and bad."

"Oh," Dee says, undoing his tie. "I meant aiding and abetting mutiny, but that's good to know, too."

Billy's eyes widen, and he can't manage to laugh, even though he doesn't stop kissing her. Gently, nervously, but like he can't stop touching her, drawing his fingers over her fully-covered breasts gingerly, and then again when she doesn't push him away.

"I love you, you know," he whispers in her ear. "I think so, anyway. I haven't been in love before."

"You're not supposed to say it like that," Dee teases, unbuttoning his shirt. "Just tell me you love me and worry if it's true later."

"But I do love you," Billy protests, baring one shoulder and then the other as his shirt, tie, and jacket fall to the ground. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

Oh, gods, it almost hurts, how good he is. He's like love songs and summer sunsets and county fairs and Dee is overwhelmed by the need to protect Billy because the president can't anymore, because he is so good, and she loves him back, of course. How couldn't she love him? He'll love her forever, and not in a stupid, fake way.

"Don't lose me," Dee says with a smile, guiding his hands to her shirts and helping him take them off. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere."

He buries his head into her shoulder and Dee is careful to encourage him as her hands slip and slide over his back, down to his hips and back up to his shoulderblades.

"It'll be okay, Billy," she says over and over as his hands, his lips, his tongue, frak, even his eyelashes slowly ease down her body bit by sweeter bit. "I'm here. We'll be okay."

Despite his protests of being awkward, Billy is a better lover than he thinks, because he pays attention. He knows when to keep going, and when to reverse direction. Dee almost giggles when she realizes that she has the president to thank for that; Billy has become used to understanding the subtle ways of a woman's body, and when it feels good without explicit directions. Plus, he doesn't mind being told, just a little, what to do, and if he's doing it right.

"You feel so good," he tells her, his hand gently stroking her thigh as he starts to move inside of her. "Like that?"

"Yes," she says, reaching up to kiss him. "Oh, Billy. That's good. That's really...really good."

It's a slow process, but with each motion, Billy lets go of a little bit of the grief and guilt he's holding, looking right into Dee's eyes and touching her just right until it's Dee who's coming undone in Billy's arms, her legs wrapped around him as she whimpers against his shoulder, writhing and bucking up.

When he finally comes, it feels almost as good to have him right there, that big sweaty head of his awkwardly crushing her shoulder and tickling her neck. Which is a weird thing to feel good, but it does feel nice, having him pressed against her.

So for a long time, Dee just holds Billy, stroking his back and wishing it could always be this way.

"I love you," he says.

"I love you, too," she says, kissing the top of his head. "It'll be all right, Billy."

"I think I have to go to Adama," Billy says. "I have to betray my president and put you in danger, Dee. Is that going to make it all right?"

The thought of how wrong it could go sits cold in her stomach, but Dee puts it aside. She's in love with a good man, and Commander Adama is a good man. They are all good men, though technically the president is a good woman. With so many good people, something will work out.

"Something will work out," Dee says, forcing herself to know it's true. "Because I can't lose you now."

And Dee suddenly understands now how all the craziest things in the universe happen for love. Because if other people can make the impossible true just because they can't bear to lose their lover, then Dee can make it all come true.

Commander Adama will come to his senses. Lieutenant Thrace will come home with whatever she's supposed to bring, and President Roslin will find the way and stop being crazy. Captain Adama and his father will reconcile. They will beat the Cylons.

Because if they don't, then Dee loses Billy.

And that's not happening.

Not a chance.


Silverlake: Authors / Mediums / Titles / Links / List / About / Updates / Silverlake Remix