by HYPERFocused

"So, I've got this idea, Lex."

"Am I going to like it?"

"I think so. It involves nakedness."

"Sounds good so far, go on."

"And excitement."

"Well, the nudity would seem to imply that."

"I mean the risky kind. But not too risky, don't worry."

"OK, I'm intrigued. What do I need to do?"

"Close your eyes."

"They're closed. Where are we going?"

"We're here."

"Damn, I don't think I'll ever get used to that. Where the hell are we?"

"Pete's house. He's not here, though. They're all off at a family reunion."

"I'm almost afraid to ask. Why are we at Pete's house?"

"For this."

"It's a van. A very old van. I'd say it could use a wash, but the dirt is probably holding it together."

"Yeah, isn't it cool? The owner of the scrap yard gave it to him after he almost got crushed. Felt kinda bad about his employee."

"How -- generous. But what does that have to do with us?"

""Pete said I could borrow it."

"What for? I've got a garage full of cars, not to mention a certain truck..."

"Lex, come on. It's a van. With a whole lot of space in the back. And I came prepared, like every good teenager should be. Well, not sure most of them bring lube, but you know what I mean."

"No, Clark. I'm not going to do it. Don't be ridiculous. Can you think of any place I'm less likely to want to be?"

"Belle Reve? The Island? In a sauna with your father? Listening to my father lecture you about corrupting his innocent young son?" "Clark, you're treading on my last nerve."

"Then let me soothe it for you. Come on, Pete left the van unlocked, and we have the whole night."

"There's no way in hell I'm even getting in that monstrosity, much less spending the whole night in it, Clark The heater probably doesn't even work."

"I'll keep you warm. God, you're so prickly tonight. How about I help you with some of that -- tension?"

"I am not prickly. Stop leering at me like that."

"I thought you liked it when I looked at you that way."

" It's not going to work, Clark. No, not even if you kiss me."

"How about this?"

"N-no. OK, wait. Do that again."

"You mean like this?"

"Oh! That was nice, but I'm still not getting in there."

"Oh, please. You're practically panting, and all you can say is nice?"

"Lex Luthor does not have sex in thirty year old vans."

"Don't be such a party pooper, Lex. There's nothing wrong with it. It's got everything we need. Privacy, a radio. An air mattress.."

"There are windows all around it. What privacy?"

"It'll be private when we fog 'em up."

"It's probably very unsanitary."

"Lex, you fucked me against the wall outside that club. I don't think Pete's van could be any less sanitary than that. Besides, it's a brand new air mattress. Pete didn't want me using his."

"What, he didn't want to catch gay germs?"

"No, Lex. He thought I might, you know, melt it or something."

"Oh. Well, he does have a point."

"Lex! I've never... well, except for that one time when you'd just come back from Zurich, and your plane was late, and I was just looking at "Warrior Angel" and thinking of you. Anyway, I said I was sorry. I even got you another copy of that issue. It's just, I hadn't seen you in so long, and you looked amazing, and your comic book got in the way."

"Good. That van is older than I am. Your parents probably conceived you in one of these things."

"I don't think they had Volkswagens where I'm from."

"You know what I mean, Clark. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Jonathan and Martha got horizontal in one of these back when they were in school."

"Eww, Lex. Way to kill a mood."

"No, Clark. The way to kill a mood is to say, 'Hey, let's do something we haven't done before', and just when I'm expecting you suggest we try that thing you folded down on page 53 of that book we bought in Metropolis, you take me out to your friend's decrepit van." " "Lex, you know his name. What do you have against Pete, anyway?"

"Other than his highly questionable taste in vehicles and entertainment? Nothing really. Of course the fact that he hates me for no good reason doesn't help."

"He has a reason. You took his best friend away. He's jealous. And there's that whole creamed corn thing..."

"Like I said, no good reason. I'm hardly to blame for what happened with the factory. I was a child. And it's not like his family is suffering now."

"That's true. He isn't exactly rational where you're concerned, though."

"It's hardly fair to you, Clark.. I bet he wouldn't be such an ass if you were still interested in Lana."

"Actually, he was kind of a dick about that, too, at least when he wasn't dating anyone himself. But why are we talking about Pete when we could be making good use of his 'Shaggin' Wagon'?"

"His what?"

"That's what he calls it."

"That is the tackiest thing I've ever heard."

"I don't know, I kind of like it. Besides, it's like a teenage rite of passage, doing it in a van."

"Only because most of them don't have older boyfriends with mansions and penthouses in the city."

"Their loss, I know. But don't you want me to have the pivotal American experience? I promise you'll enjoy it, too."

"Far be it from me to deny you anything, Clark."

"I knew you'd see it my way eventually."


"Oh, God, Clark."

"I know."

"That was amazing."

"No shocks. All that bouncing. It was just made for fucking."

"So, shaggin' wagon, hmm? How much do you think Pete will want for it?"


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