Beauty & The Beast
Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince in a faraway land called New Jersey. His name was Jay and his hair was a lustrous gold. His speech was extraordinarily vulgar and caused maidens to blush.
One day, the prince went to a convenience store. He was extremely rude to the clerk behind the counter, much as he always was. But today was different, for the clerk could take no more of Prince Jay's verbal abuse. The clerk pulled out a book of curses from under the counter and pointed a finger at Prince Jay. "I curse you! You will become a hideous beast whose exterior matches the way you speak. And only when you find true love will the curse be broken."
"Fuck that shit!" cried Prince Jay. He paid for his cigarettes and left the store. As he returned to his castle, (which was quite a sight, for there were not many castles in New Jersey), Prince Jay paid no heed to the strange looks he recieved from passers-by. It was only when he was at home and caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror did he scream.
The clerk's curse was indeed true! Prince Jay's appearance was now quite grotesque. He threw a lamp at the mirror, shattering it. As he retired to his bedroom chambers, the prince muttered, "At least I ain't got no goddamn French-talkin' candlesticks."
Elsewhere in the faraway land of New Jersey, there lived a family. The father was a hard-working traveling salesman. He was never home much, but he tried to give his sons the best that he could. His wife and the mother of his sons had been taken from her family by whatever was taking mothers out in fairy tales that year. The names of his sons were Scott, Walt, and Robert. They called Robert "Quiet Robert" for he rarely spoke. And when he did, it was usually to say something of great import. Quiet Robert was kind and slightly rotund. You would never say that he was truly beautiful, except on the inside. His hair was brown, as were his eyes. He secretly harbored an ambition to dance one day, but wisely kept that to himself.
One day, their father went out to try and sell more of whatever it was that he sold. He promised his sons that he would be home by the next day, as he was only making a short trip.
The father had car trouble as he was returning home, and ended up near Prince Jay's castle. The father was curious about the castle, but figured that he could ask the owner about it after he had called a mechanic. He entered the castle and called out to see if anyone was there.
"Go away, you cocksmokin' trespasser!"
"But my car broke down and I..."
"I said go away, jackhole! If you don't leave now, I'm gonna come down there and kick your ass..."
The father shrugged and turned to leave. As he was leaving, his eyes fell upon a phone. Surely he won't mind if I make one call, he thought. He picked up the phone and prepared to dial.
"Are you still here? Son of a bitch!!!" roared Jay as he came down the stairs. "Awright, I'm gonna take your ass prisoner." The traveling salesman stumbled back, as the sight of the beastly prince was quite ghastly. "The fuck're you so scared of?" Jay paused. "Oh yeah. That motherfuckin' curse."
Jay raised a claw to his chin. "What the fuck am I gonna do with your trespassin' ass," he pondered as he studied the salesman's trembling form. "I know. I'll keep your ass around here to cook and shit for me. I'm getting' tired of that delivery shit."
"But sire," said the father as he recoiled from the horrible creature. "I am but a poor traveling salesman and my family depends on me to earn a living. Please, let me return home and I shall send one of them in my place."
"Fine," the prince said. "But whichever one you send should be sexy. Snoogans."
The traveling salesman was allowed to call for assistance with his car and eventually returned home. He told his sons of what had transpired and how one of them was to take his place. Scott said that he could not go because of school. Walt said that he could not go, for he was expecting a rare comic book any day now.
So it fell to Quiet Robert to take his father's place. When his father asked him if he minded, Quiet Robert merely shrugged. Robert packed his bags and was driven to the castle by his father. Robert quirked an eyebrow at the castle but said nothing. He hugged his father goodbye and entered the castle.
"Hey!" Jay called. "I hope you're a sexy chick who's blind 'cause I've got a big fuckin' hard-on!" Quiet Robert shook his head when he heard this, wondering what he had gotten himself into. "Hello?" Jay bellowed. "You're gonna be quiet, huh? Fine. You bring your cookbook? Get your ass into the kitchen and cook me somethin'!"
Robert sighed and looked around. Fortunately, the castle had clearly labeled signs and he was able to find his way to the kitchen. The ktichen was a mess, filled with pizza boxes and Chinese food cartons. Quiet Robert dropped his bags in the doorway, put his head in his hands and wept for a moment. Then he raised his head and went to work, cleaning up the kitchen.
Once he was done, Quiet Robert sat down at the kitchen table and had a cigarette. He looked around the now-clean kitchen and wondered what he could possibly make for the owner of the mysterious voice. Robert, you see, was not very skilled when it came to the culinary arts. He hoped the owner of the castle didn't mind eating sandwiches and whatever else Robert could microwave.
After he finished his cigarette, Robert fixed a pair of sandwiches. He placed them on a tray and took them upstairs. Robert knocked on what he presumed was the door of the prince's room. "Yeah? You brought me some fuckin' food? Good. Leave it outside. While your ass is here, I wanna tell you the rules. You can go anywhere you want. Except for my room. Got it?" Jay took Robert's silence to mean that he agreed.
Robert shrugged and returned to the kitchen and prepared a sandwich for himself. He then explored the castle, eating his sandwich as he went along. It was a most fascinating place, and Quiet Robert settled on a room for himself as he explored.
The days passed, and Quiet Robert grew more and more familiar with the castle. He grew particularly fond of the library, where there was a surprising collection of books, given the vulgarity the prince preferred. Quiet Robert also enjoyed passing time in the garden, where the sun shone, and the birds sang. Unbeknowst to Quiet Robert, Prince Jay watched him while he was in the garden.
The prince grew quite fond of his "guest", and one day, he decided, "Fuck it. I'm gonna talk to this quiet motherfucker." For Jay had found Robert's silence to be quite unnerving and wanted to know if his not speaking was by choice.
Robert was down in the garden and Jay came up behind him. "Don't turn around, you quiet sonofabitch. I just wanna ask youse sumthin'." Quiet Robert nodded. "Why is it that you don't talk? Can't your ass talk at all? Or do you just got nothin' to say?"
Robert held up one finger and shook his head. "So you can talk," Jay surmised. "But you don't wanna talk, is that it?" Robert nodded. Prince Jay thought about this. "That's fine. But make a little more noise around the castle, okay?" Robert nodded again.
"Now get your ass to the kitchen and make with the grub! I'm hungry!"
As he got up, Quiet Robert turned around to finally get a look at the mysterious prince. All he caught was a glimpse of some blond hair as the prince returned to the castle. Robert began to work out a plan so that he might see the mysterious prince. After some consideration, Robert decided that the best time to do so was when he delievered food to Jay.
The next time Robert left a tray at the prince's door, he knelt down and put one eye to the keyhole in the door. Robert was quite grateful for his silence, for he was quite surprised by the prince's appearance. Jay truly was quite beastly, but as Robert studied him, he started to realize that there was more to Prince Jay than just the frightening exterior and crude mouth.
For all the time they had spent together, the prince had never been cruel to Robert. All his threats had been empty, and Jay had given Quiet Robert access to almost all of the castle. Prince Jay had not asked Robert about why he chose to remain silent, and Robert liked that a great deal.
The days passed, and eventually Jay reached a decision. He decided to let Robert see him. It was not a decision the prince made lightly, for he was still afraid of how Quiet Robert would react. The prince, you see, had come to care for Robert as well, and worried that Robert would turn away from him.
So, Jay opened the door to his room. "Hey! You quiet motherfucker! I gots somethin' you should see!" Robert looked up from the book he was reading in the library, and walked into the main area of the castle. Prince Jay stood at the top of the stairs. "Awright, let's get this over with. Here I am, one ugly bastard. Go ahead and faint so we can move on."
Quiet Robert stood there for a moment, looking up at Prince Jay, who stood there, waiting for a reaction of any sort from him. Robert shook his head and walked up the stairs towards Jay.
"What, you want a closer look? Fine. Come n' stare at my freakish ass."
Robert shook his head again as he reached the top of the stairs. He grabbed Jay by the arms and pulled him close. "What the fuck're you doing?"
Quiet Robert silenced Prince Jay with a kiss. As the two men kissed, Jay's body began to transform, and he regained his human form once more.
Quiet Robert silenced Prince Jay with a kiss. As the two men kissed, Jay's body began to transform, and he regained his human form. Robert broke off the kiss and looked at Jay, smiling.
"How? Why? What...?"
"I love you, you little shit," Robert said. "I love you because of your vulgar mouth, and how I know that you really are beautiful inside. Now everyone will see."
"Goddamn clerk was right," Jay muttered.
Quiet Robert raised an eyebrow.
"Nothin'. How's about I show you the master bedroom? Noonch."
And they lived happily ever after.