Wayne Gale Presents: Texas Blood Money
Her name is Go Go Yubari, and she is quite mad.
But why, you are asking? What drove this pretty young girl to the excessive joys of proffessional assassination? The answer is simple. Let's take a look deep into the archives.
Go Go Yubari was born April 17th in Okinawa, famed island of surprising steel and truly bad sushi. Contrary to popular belief, the name on her birth certificate is in fact Go Go. Her father was a moderately successful businessman who had been to Las Vegas one too many times before it became a family destination. Her mother was middle management at a Sony factory and a practicing Catholic. This is her in a kiddie pool, age 2.
So what in this little girl's life transformed her from the cherubic infant in the video into Japan's most notorious serial killer?
Nothing. No, seriously.
One fine day, something in the lovely Ms. Yubari cracked. She took out four security guards, two tellers and a loan officer at the Bank of Tokyo with a soup spoon swiped from a nearby resteraunt, emerging after six minutes with $20,000 in large bills. Police tracking the money showed up dead in some of the most frighteningly invonvenient places. In one of the shortest cases in Japanese history, the file was open only from dusk till dawn the night of the crime itself!
Her parents were immediately sent into hiding, of course. She never bothered to hunt them down herself, but both turned up dead under unusual circumstances aboard a dinghy in the Tokyo harbor when their cell phones both spontaneously combusted over a large oil patch! Although no evidence has ever been found, both deaths have been attributed to the terrorist group known among criminal circles as... the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad!
Go Go's money turned up near the scene of many crimes widely assumed the work of this deadly group, whose stark professionalism proved a fascination - nay, an obsession - to law enforcement the world over!
That same group of internationally renowned assassasins is implicated here, in a scene of unprecedented carnage on a level never before seen anywhere in the world! What you see before you today is no less than twenty dead bodies, all members of the famed Yakuza group Crazy 88! And those limbs belong to another thirty! Whoever took out this clan took them out, down to the last man! This carnage is spread across a stunning total of four rooms! Horrible!
But who could possibly prove a match for Go Go Yubari? This mystery will have to wait until next time. Until then, this is Wayne Gale and you're watching Texas Blood Money!