Life Imitates (About You)
by Alison


I suppose you've already heard that I'm not coming back to the show. No, of course you've heard. I reckon you'd have been the first person to find out. You were the only person who knew about the 'Absynnia' script change, once again showing how all important you are to them. And it's not exactly a secret that I'm unhappy on the set. And just in case you're wondering, it is because of you. Everything is always about you.

Because everything is always about you.

Don't get all offended on me here, I only wanted to clear the air. And boy, phrases like that one are double edged. Clear the air, get everything out in the open. Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about now. It's all I wanted to do, and I'm damn sure you know this. And coz I couldn't do it in real life (because we're pretending it doesn't 'exist' in real life) I was going to do it on the show.

"Life imitates," you said a few weeks ago at that industry party. You were sitting like you owned the world drinking a dry martini. You couldn't have possibly looked more Hawkeye than if you were still in costume. You were right, you know. Take away the humour, because you're more serious than Hawkeye would ever be, and you put so much of yourself into him. And you become more like him. And in the show and real life it's always about you.

I just can't do that with Trapper. Connect, I mean. You won't let me. And I know why too.

You see, there's this thing happening on the show. It's something that the audience will probably never pick up on. And you put it there, I know, because even though you don't write all the scripts it's still your show. Looks, jokes and, dare I say it, downright innuendo. I still can't believe you actually kissed Larry. The look on his face when we did the first read through was priceless! But, yeah, innuendo. Do you even know you're doing it? Of course you do, it's one of those things about you.

Life imitates. There's a tension between us. And no matter what we can never deal with it in real life. So there's the show. I'm not saying I wanted to go anywhere with it in that direction. Even if the network allowed it, I'm not ready and probably never will be. But there are other things, things around it that I could have done. I wanted to pour myself into my work. Trapper was such a blank canvas. What were you afraid I was going to do? And I know it was you. I'm probably one of the only people who know how much damn control you have. Over everything.

Maybe not seeing you every day will help us both. You're still my best friend Alan, but I think it's best if Hawkeye and Trapper don't see each other anymore.

I love my work, I really do.

I love my wife.

I love my kids.

But as always, it's all about you.



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