Take This Chip And Shove It
by Wendy

"Honest Spike. I didn't mean to leave you."

The dust couldn't answer her back.


Sunnydale was giving him gip. The sodding Slayer and her bunch of oversized monkeys in the college had implanted some kind of fucking chip in his head, and needless to say, he was ever so slightly pissed.

In the literal sense too.

It had taken him a few tries to get it into his head that even with excessive amounts of alcohol, his little chip problem was not going away. And a few of the patrons of the Bronze thrusting him away, asking what his problem was and then punching him. Hard. So his face hurt, his head hurt and he did not want to think about what his nanny Watcher would say to him when he stumbled in late smelling of cigarettes and alcohol.

Probably what he had said for the all days previously since Spike had found out about his new handicap. "Here I am, housing you out of the goodness of my heart, after all that you've done to me... I clothe you, feed you and look what state you come in like. It's a disgrace. I'm telling you this, you live under my house, you live by my rules." Giles had the nagging down right - all he needed was the apron and the marigolds.

Although Giles wasn't so keen on Spike staying in after the Watcher had found out what had happened to his precious stash of single malt. "That was twenty-five-year-old Macallan. Do you know how little of that there is?"

Giles-bating was a new sport that Spike was finding increasingly attractive. It was starting to come next to soccer hooliganism on his list. For here he could wield his weighty wit with much more skill than the odd "Kill the Pigs!" and "Fuck You!". He was getting under Giles' skin. He did the little 'I'm drunk and I don't care plus I've just thought of something clever' dance that we all know we do.

So Spike tried winding Giles up do much that he'd have no other option but to get his chip removed and lose him on the unsuspecting world. But Giles just tied him to a chair and stuck him in the bath for a few days.

The Slayer was no fucking good. She barely talked to Spike after their near brush with happy ever after.

And that Xander was a crabby little brat. But fun to play with. He was so in love with the Slayer that Spike was sure his brief success with Buffy would rankle. And for all his protestations about his thing with Anya, Spike knew it did. A few leery winks, and a bright red Xander, furious at him (for Xander is too nice to call Spike a fucking idiot), were all Spike needed as proof.

The little witch. Now she was hot. She had that look that said totally innocent, but smelled and walked like she knew what was what. During one of his drinking sessions, Spike had apparently gone the whole Construction Worker way on her. And she didn't complain too much. And her wolfy boyfriend had recently taken off with some other chick. The path of least resistance lay before Spike.

"Oh! God! Fuck! Yes! Doittomeagain!" Willow, legs wide, arms wrapped tight around the blonde vampire who was giving her the fuck of her life. Just as well he didn't need air. Well, the witch was certainally very vocal. Spike idly wondered how they'd ever managed to make out in the back of Oz's van. He thrust a few more times, heard her give a final scream and rolled off. She was all right, but no Dru.

After a few more tries of the Spike love machine, Willow would do just about anything for her sweet snugglemuffin. And Spike finally believed himself to have learnt the art of restraint - no smoking in bed, no swearing, and absolutely no mention of his previous life. He decided he better start faking the pains now.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. This hurts so bad. Ow." Spike rolled out of bed and onto the floor, hiding his smirk in the carpet. A very naked Willow crawled over and looked over the side of the bed.

"Spike smootchkins? Are you alright?" She looked concerned.

"No I'm not. This chip bloody hurts."

"We'll speak to Giles in the morning. He'll know what to do."

"No - can't speak." He buried his face back into the carpet, converting his howls of glee to shouts of pain. "Ow. Ow."

"Fine. I know some medicine. I'll take it out. You're a vampire - you'll heal quickly."

Spike loved his plan to bits. He decided that in order to keep the Slayer off his back, he'd play along with the repentant, loved up front, just to protect Willow for a bit too. But he hadn't counted on a certain former lover of his returning to Sunnydale.

Willow was not at all pleased when her snookums returned to his wild and evil ways. His killing spree was not pretty, although he didn't try to end the world again. Obviously thanks were due to the winners of the Treble again. But the straw that broke the camel's back was his re-hitching with Dru.

Willow had never liked Drusilla. Not since she killed Kendra, broke Xander's arm and put her in hospital. And after the best lover she'd ever had up and left her for a psycho, she couldn't take it anymore. It was time for a final confrontation, so she took Xander along as backup.


"You bastard! I thought you loved me and only me. Otherwise I would never have let you do..." Annoyed and irritated, Willow stood, legs apart, in the fighting stance Spike knew and mildly liked.

"Do what?" Sarcastic Spike mocked Willow with his Britishness.

"Yeah - do what, Willow?" Xander, curious, and wanting it slightly himself.

"Shut up Xander." In unison, the former lovers yelled at the defenceless, innocent boy.

"Well. This is for screwing with my life Spike!"

Willow ran at Spike, doing her best Xena impression. He naturally ducked and ran, and fell into Xander, who pushed him back towards Willow the vengeful harpy, who promptly fell, with Spike on top as usual. She just angled her stake properly, when Xander's weight on top of the couple forced the nicked Mr. Pointy through his heart.

"Hey, Will."

"What, Xander?"

"If you tell me what Spike did to you, I'll tell you what I did at Ladies Stripclub." Willow's look of disgust said it all. They stood up and brushed the dust off themselves.


Drusilla walked round the corner.

"I wanted him back in one piece. That chaos demon meant nothing to me. Honest Spike. I didn't mean to leave you."

The dust couldn't answer her back.


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