Maybe
I am actually doing this. I am running. Running for my life. Why in the hell? Because he told me to? Because I trust him? Because I have to? No. Its him. Its definitely him. Why in the hell am I letting him tell me what to do? I have never been one to let a guy...Or anyone for that matter...Run my life. Maybe I am finally listening to that little voice inside me.
The one that has told me all along that I wasn't in this thing for the sex. Wesley wasn't just a good fuck. Okay, he was a good fuck...I am not gonna lie about that. But there was more to it than that. That's not why I kept going back for more.
That's not why I didn't kill that fucking demon, when it would have been so easy to take the information he had and get rid of him, so he couldn't talk...No, I let him live...Because I knew Wesley wouldn't want him dead. That's not why I actually let myself get jealous of that fucking toothpick of a woman, Fred. That's not why I fucking dressed up as her because I was so fucking jealous and afraid that he might go to her...That he might leave me for her.
The reason I did all of those things...The reason I warned him about Connor...I know...I love him...
Only I was too much of a fucking coward to say anything...I just told him about Connor and let him walk away.
And so here I am walking through a fucking sewer, with a whole in my stomach...Wondering why I am such a fucking coward.
And am I gonna go after him? Am I gonna tell him? No. I am going to keep running. I am going to hide...Change my name...Why? Because he told me to. Because he wants me to...Because him telling me that, makes me wonder if maybe he loves me to...That he cares enough to want me to stay alive...Maybe there's something there on his part to.
Maybe...Maybe he doesn't love Fred. Maybe he did, and doesn't anymore...Maybe he's a coward too. I doubt it.
Maybe...Damn...What's with all the maybes? I know all the answers...I am just fucking lying to myself...I need to stop. Maybe I will.
I know I won't...But maybe helps.
Thinking that maybe he loves me not her...Thinking that maybe someday I can tell him that I love him...Maybe is all I have...It'll have to do. For now.