So Where Are The Martians At?
by Simon Field

"Oh, hey. Toby!"


"Can I have a word?"


"Ah, right. That Senate Oversight thing."

"That's the one."

"Didn't that start like, a half an hour ago?"

"Yes it did."

"Wow, you're really running late."

"Thank-you Josh, I can't imagine how I ever coped before you came along."

"Do you remember that thing with Senator Winston?"

"Oh god."


"Nothing. I can just tell. Carry on."

"Well he's doing it again."

"I thought we told him to stop talking to the press? I thought we made it clear that the White House press office was going to handle all unofficial leaks, and that whilst we appreciated the sex he was having with the reporter from the Post was really very good, paying for it with our secrets wasn't considered to be an acceptable model of behaviour?"

"We tried to get the FBI to intercept his shipments of Viagra too, but they said something about that being an unconstitutional abuse of executive privilege."

"Did you tell them 'please'?"

"Several times. I even threatened them with Donna."

"So what's he leaked this time?"

"All of the juicy little secrets from the last overseas financial aid package meeting."

"I hate working here. Doesn't this place have any secrets at all? Like, where we keep the Martians and who we point our missiles at?"

"We don't aim missiles at anybody. We're freedom loving, remember?"

"That one must have slipped my mind. Do you think we could start pointing some missiles around again? I think I would like that. We could start with the Hill."

"Remind me to not actually ever mention that to the President, because I think he'd really go for it."

"I hate working here Josh. I don't think I say that often enough."

"So what do you want me to do about Senator Winston?"

"What do I want you to do? I want you to bust his ass, that's what I want you to do. Make him cry for me Josh."

"Can I take his lunch money too?"

"Don't mock me. Why is everybody mocking me today?"

"I think it's probably best if I don't answer that."

"I think you're probably right."

"Oh, but Sam will answer it for you. Hey, Sam!"

"Hi guys. Say, Toby, shouldn't you be at that thing?"

"Yes. Yes I should."

"Do you know what day it is today?"

"Oh go on, amaze me."


"I'm actually speechless."

"Do you know what happens on Wednesday?"

"We all get fired for missing important meetings?"

"No. I thought it was only you who had to be at that thing?"

"It is. But if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me."


"Don't mention it."

"So anyway, on Wednesday."

"We all stand around and avoid getting to the point?"

"Did you get out of bed on the wrong side this morning?"

"Yes. I did. And don't think I won't fire you. See this finger? It's itching to show someone the door."

"Wednesday is gossip column day."

"Great. Terrific. Remind me to arrange for you to get some real work one of these days."

"Do you know who is featured in all of today's gossip columns?"


"Toby, Elvis is dead. It's only our very own Senator Winston."

"Did you know he?"

"Oh yeah. Only it's backfired this time. 'US Senator Sells Dirty Secrets For Dirtier Sex'. It even made front-page."

"I... It's a thing of beauty!"

"I guess the sex-angle story was going to sell way more papers than the details of the last overseas financial aid package meeting. Which, you know, colour me surprised."

"Was there any mention of the meeting at all?"

"Oh, some detail about fifty-million dollars going to Azerbaijan, but it was buried. And they spelt 'Azerbaijan' wrong. And there was this big picture of the Post reporter wearing a towel. Is it me, or are the Press getting younger? And perkier?"

"Sam. I love you."

"You do."

"Yes, I do. And now I have to go. Josh, I'll see you later."


"Say, Josh?"

"Yeah Sam?"

"Toby loves me."

"I heard."

"Does he love you?"

"Not so-as he's said recently, no."

"That's too bad. Because he loves me."

"Don't turn this into a competition. Because I'll kick your ass."

"There's no way you're more loveable than me!"

"Oh please, everybody knows I'm much cuter."

"You're not cute! I'm the cute one! That's my thing. You can't steal my thing!"

"I'm not stealing your thing. I'm just saying."

"Well take it back."

"No. Do you want we should go ask Donna who is cuter?"

"No. I don't think we should ask Donna."

"Donna! Donna, hey, do you have a second?"

"Not really."

"This will only take a second. We need to know who you think is cutest?"

"Who I think is cutest?"

"Yeah, Sam and I were just discussing."

"Who is the cutest?"


"Okay. I think it would have to be... C.J."


"Yeah. C.J. Definitely. Anyway, I have to go now. See you later."

"She said C.J."

"Yes she did Sam."

"I'm still the cutest."

"Hey, at least I wasn't in porno."

"That's not fair."


Silverlake: Authors / Mediums / Titles / Links / List / About / Plain Style / Fancy Style