Are You Now Or Have You Ever
by Simon Field



"Do you have a minute?"

"I don't know, are you more important than the Senate Oversight Committee right now?"

"I think so, yes."

"Okay. Shoot."

"Do you remember Sammy Halfeck?"

"No. Should I?"

"He was the reporter for the National Inquirer."

"And this is more important than the Senate Oversight Committee meeting, which, by the way, I am now running late for?"


"Go on then. But this had better be good."

"Somebody on the staff has been in porno."


"I'm sorry, there was no good way to say that. So I thought I should just, come out with it."


"You know, get it out there. I feel better now, having shared. It's a weight off. Do you feel better?"

"Amazingly, no."


"Somebody on the staff has been in porno?"


"Walk with me."

"Glad to."

"Do we know who?"


"We don't know who?"

"No we don't."

"But Sammy Halfeck does?"

"Yes he does."

"I was having a good day today."

"I could see that."

"And now you've ruined it."

"Yes I have."

"Some days I really hate you."

"That's all part of my charm."

"We need to talk to C.J."

"Do we really?"

"Yes we do. Hey, C.J!"

"Toby. Sam. How are we today?"

"We've been better. Sam here has just rained on my parade."

"You were having a parade?"

"Yes. It was all very festive."

"And you didn't invite me?"

"I knew you'd have something more important to do."

"And I do. So what can I do for you?"

"We need to ask you a question."

"That's good, because answering questions is what I do. I know everything about everything."

"This is about pornography."

"Well. Okay. I don't know everything about that."

"We think somebody on the staff might have been in some."

"Someone on the staff has been in porno?!"

"That's good. Lets have an announcement. Right here in the corridor."

"Sorry. But. Are you sure?"

"Sam is."


"Actually, I..."

"Actually you what?"

"It was Sammy Halfeck. He said."

"And you believed him."

"I had reason to."

"Do we know who?"


"Can we guess?"

"Well it wasn't you."

"How do we know it wasn't me?"

"Well, I..."

"I could have done porno. Toby, don't you think I could have done porno?"

"Is there a good answer to that question?"

"Not really, no."

"In that case I'll go for yes, I think you could have."

"Okay. But we are having words later."

"So, was it you?"

"No Toby. I didn't do any porno. But thank-you for showing an interest."

"I was just saying."

"Yes, you were. And now you're not."

"But we do need to know who it was. Before this becomes front page news. Because heaven forbid anyone should be interested in health-care or the environment, or the due process of government."

"Why should they when they might get so see some nekkid flesh."

"Don't mock me. I was having a good day today. And now I'm going to have to do this. And find out who it was. And I really don't think the tax payer would agree that this is a valuable use of my time."

"Do we have any ideas?"

"I don't know, do we?"


"You think it might have been Donna?"

"Well, she's got that whole sexy wiggle thang going."

"C.J, you, ah, you've noticed Donnas sexy wiggle thang?"

"Shut up Sam. Toby?"

"I don't know. It might have been Donna. Back in college or something. We should ask Josh."

"Oh, but it might have been Josh! He's got a really hot butt."

"Somehow I don't think you're taking this very seriously C.J."

"Well I'm sorry Toby, how else would you like me to take it?"

"You really don't want me to answer that question."

"I really don't. What about Ainsley? Law school is expensive."

"I don't know. I really don't know. Why don't you just get everybody together. And, ask some questions or something?"

"I thought you were dealing with this?"

"I am. I'm delegating."

"That's not dealing."

"It is from where I'm standing."

"Okay. Fine. I'll get everybody together, and I guess I'll just ask them straight out. Hands up who has been in porno. But I'm warning you, if more than a half dozen hands go up, I'm quitting."


"What is it Sam?"

"I don't think that's entirely necessary."


"It was me."

"What do you mean it was you?"

"I thought I'd raise it as a hypothetical first. But then. Anyway. I was young. And stupid. And, stop looking at me like that!"

"I honestly can't help it."

"Toby, tell her to stop it."

"Don't look at Sam like he's been in porno C.J."

"But Sam has been in porno."

"You're right. Look at him any way you damn well please. Why didn't you say?"

"I just did."

"And now you need this taken care of?"



"I'm on it."

"Thank you C.J."

"Tell me one thing though. Was it gay porn?"


"It was wasn't it!"

"I'm not answering any more of your questions."

"I'll just go and deal with this then."

"That would be best. Toby, this isn't worse than that thing with the call girl, is it?"


"Then really, it's not such a big deal?"

"Did I mention yet that I hate you?"

"I think you did."

"Good. Sam. Have you ever thought about joining the Republican Party?"

"Yes. Yes I have."


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