Platonic
by Sarah Maria

I spat out the saliva that had formed in my mouth and was glad to be rid of it. It was a sour taste, a nasty taste and I didn't like it.

It wasn't the 'I just blew off Harry Potter and don't want to swallow such a rancid substance.' It was more the 'I haven't blown Harry Potter in almost two weeks and don't want any other taste in my mouth besides that substance.'

But I really didn't have anything to justify this feeling because it wasn't like Harry was my boyfriend and had to call on me when he was going to go somewhere or do something. No, he didn't have to tell me that he was going to spend Christmas vacation with Weasley and his red headed family of 50.

Not at all. After all, we weren't dating, we were just fucking.

So when I was wishing that I had Harry with me, I had no reason to be angry with him that he left to the Burrow without one word to me.

I was getting antsy now. With only my hand and thoughts of the 'Golden Boy' to keep me company for the holidays, it was only natural that I would begin to pace around the room and pull at my hair with frustration.

But when I sat down at my desk and began writing him a letter that consisted of nothing that had to do with having sex with him, I quickly ripped up the letter and threw it away.

Our partnership was completely unattached after all. We fucked each other in haste in unoccupied classrooms and broom closets. There were no feelings behind any of it besides pure lust and will for a good sexing.

We had agreed that we wouldn't put any sort of feelings into itů no emotion but raw, sex driven desires. So when I found myself wanting to kiss his cheek softly, I always pulled away and left him alone in the room.

We had an agreement to not get emotionally involved in any way and by Merlin I would not get in any deeper than we had agreed.

I wrote him many letters that consisted of my feelings toward him, though none of them would ever be seen by his emerald eyes. It was merely a tactic to keep me occupied as I waited for the holiday to end and him to return to Hogwarts so I could have my fucking partner back. There wasn't any real emotion being poured into those letters, just pent up frustration that wasn't even true.

I didn't have feelings for Harry Potter. Not anything that went beyond lusting for the boy like a lion deprived of its daily dose of meat. And that lust was growing more and more intense as the days passed without him in the school.

Or at least this is what I had willed myself to believe. I tricked my mind into believing that the waiting and the wishing were all driven by the desire to fuck him senseless. I kept my heart believing that this entire situation was completely and utterly sex and nothing else.

So when he finally did return and I got him alone in a deserted classroom and hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead and said 'I missed you' instead of ripping off his clothes and making him moan from my touch, I knew that something was definitely not going the way it was meant to. And when he kissed me on the cheek and said 'Sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving,' I was completely aware of the fact that our agreement was not withstanding its boundaries.

And as we sat down (fingers entwined) and talked about what we had received for Christmas and how much he missed his parents, I knew that we had just shredded every document ever pertaining to a non- emotional relationship.

And now it was a relationship and not just a partnership and that was completely mind blowing because it wasn't supposed to be any sort of a relationship; it wasn't supposed to be anything past fucking each other and now we were just sitting there holding hands and enjoying each other's company.

Harry laid his head on my shoulder and I almost jumped up and ran out of the room just from the mere thought of that action. This is not what fucking partners did, this is not what Harry and I did (or were supposed to do, rather).

I wasn't sure if I should keep all these relentless thoughts to myself or outright ask Harry what the hell was going on. Because surely Harry was making a mistake and thought I was someone else. Surely Harry didn't mean to hold my hand and talk quietly about what he should get me for Christmas.

Surely when I kissed him on the mouth he didn't mean to put so much raw emotion into it that I thought he was handing me his fucking soul on a silver platter to do what I will with it. And surely I didn't mean to give him the exact same offer in that deep, heart wrenching kiss.

Our agreement had been only sex and nothing else and we both knew that. We both knew that any involvement would be impossible and dangerous to our well being at school and in daily life in general.

When he finally released my mouth and kissed my forehead and looked into my eyes he was basically screaming at me: 'Agreement? What agreement could you be thinking about, Draco? This is definitely not all about sex and you know it.'

Or maybe that was what my mind was telling me. I really couldn't decipher between the two. So finally when I felt as though my thoughts were going to eat me alive I asked him if he remembered the agreement we made about four months ago (when all this began) and he said yes, but he actually hadn't thought about it until I brought it up.

Considering that the entire time I had been thinking non stop about our damned agreement, I completely caught myself off guard when I placed a palm on either side of his face and looked deeply into his eyes and said 'I love you.'

Considering I had been worrying sick about this whole situation and he hadn't, it was utterly ludicrous that I had been the first one to say the damn words and not him.

But when he replied by kissing me on the forehead and saying 'I love you too' I realized that our emotionless partnership had gone to a relationship and then to a full blown love affair in only a matter of ten minutes.

Of course that thought left my mind in a few seconds when I looked over his face and realized that it had been a love affair from the very beginning and we had only said it wasn't to secure our doubts and fears that it might not work out in the end.

Sitting here together just holding each other and not saying anything, my mind came to terms with the fact that Harry Potter had been my boyfriend the entire time and I had loved him the entire time and he had felt the same way about me.

I realized that Harry had actually known this the whole time and had left without telling me just to show me that this 'partnership' was so far from unattached that if I had asked Dumbledore about it he would have been able to tell me so.

So when the final epiphany came revealing that Harry had actually had total control of this situation from the very beginning, I let it sink in that I, Draco Malfoy, had been Harry Potter's bitch for four months without even knowing it.

 

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