If You See Kay
by Miss Ellie

It was a Monday when the Chipmunks lives were changed. Theodore was watching TV in the living room, while Simon was busy in his room, playing with a new chemistry set that came in the mail that morning.

"Hey Theodore, how's it going?"

"Hi Alvin, how was your walk?"

"It was good, Theodore, but I don't understand something."

"What's that, Alvin?"

"Well, I was walking by that construction site by the bank, and I heard a guy use a funny word, but I don't know what it means."

"Uh oh, Dave probably wouldn't like to hear this."

"This guy was hammering a nail, and hit his thumb. He screamed out 'fuck' or I think that is what it was. I asked a few people what fuck means, but they just laughed. What does fuck mean, Theodore?"

"I don't know, Alvin. It sounds funny. Maybe it is a word that makes people laugh? We should ask Simon."

"But isn't he still busy with that chemistry set?"

"Well, it won't hurt to ask him at least."

"Hey, Simon! We have a question for you."

"Oh, hi guys. Wait one minute, I have to finish mixing this thing, or it might explode."

"Alvin heard a new word today and wants to know what it means!"

"Okay Alvin, what word was it?"

"This guy at a construction zone said 'fuck' after he hit his thumb a hammer. Nobody would tell me what it means, only laugh at me when I said it!"

"Hmmmm, I'm not familiar with this fuck word, Alvin. Let me look it up in my Young Student's Dictionary. Hmmm, let me see here, hmmmm, no, it's not in this dictionary. Did you ask Dave what it meant?"

"Well, Dave isn't here right now."

"Maybe it's a word he made up?"

"No, Theodore. He's a construction worker, he's not smart enough to make up words. That's for us brainy science types."

"Oh, right, Simon."

"I know, Alvin, you should call the library, see what they have to say about it!"

"Good idea, Simon. I'll get the phone book and call right away."

Alvin rushed into the kitchen, taking the phone book out from under the cookie jar. The nervous anticipation rushed over him as he searched for the public library's phone number.

The other two gathered around him, as his shaky fingers dialed the phone.

"Hello? Public Library? Yes, I was wondering if you could help me? What does fuck mean?"

The lady on the other end laughed long and hard before hanging up on him.

"She just laughed, then she hung up."

"Well, Alvin, going by the scientific method, it would seem this fuck word of yours makes people laugh, so it must mean something happy."

"Hey guys!"

"What, Theodore?"

"Think maybe we should put this word into our songs? The people at the nursing home concert would get a big kick out of this."

"I don't know, Theodore, maybe we should pass it with Dave first."

"No way, Simon! I'm with Theodore on this. We should get the list of songs we're gonna do and rewrite them as soon as possible."

The guys sat on the floor, going over the holiday favorites that had made them local sensations.

"Hey guys, what about this one? Holly Jolly Christmas? Look here, we could change "have a cup of cheer" to 'have some fucking cheer.'"

"Or, if you sang it faster, 'have a cup of fucking cheer!'"

"You're right, Simon! I'm glad we're doing this together."

"Should we do spiritual songs too? Dave might not go for this."

"Oh, Dave never goes for anything different. If we had kept the fourth Chipmunk ages ago like he wanted to, we'd never have made it as far as we have now."

"Alvin does have a point, Simon."

"Okay, Alvin, what songs?"

"How about Away In A Manger? Look here, guys! We could change 'the little Lord Jesus' to 'the fucking Lord Jesus!'"

"I don't know, Alvin. Before we use that word in a spiritual song, shouldn't we find out what it means first? I mean, what if it's blasphemy?"

"What's blasphemy, Simon?"

"Oh nothing, I guess you're right. It's just a word, it isn't like a word could offend somebody."

Just then Dave's car pulled up in the driveway.

"Okay guys, you can't tell Dave. This has to be a surprise!"

"What are you guys doing?"

"Hey Dave! We're practicing for the nursing home concert tomorrow night."

"That's nice, guys. I need to talk to you three for a bit here first."

"Okay, Dave, what is it?"

"Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I'm working late tomorrow night, and can't drive you to the concert. My friend Jack will have to drive you instead. I'll be kind of late, but I promise to be back in time for your big show stopping performance of Away in a Manger. It is the show's highlight you know."

The boys continued on through the night, changing old words of songs to better fit their new favorite word.

That night, while the three chipmunks dreamed, they dreamt of being on a stage in front of 100 old people. All of them happy and laughing as the boys sang songs filled with their favorite new word. Dave would be in the back, after a hard day's work, smiling and nodding, happy because the lonely old people were happy, knowing that no matter how hard his job might be, his hobby has made people happy.

Later the next night, in the hallway of the nursing home:

"Okay guys, you remember the changes?"

"Yup, Alvin, I can't wait to hear the response this should get."

"I'm hungry!"

"You're always hungry, Theodore!"

"Sorry, Alvin, I just like to eat when I'm nervous."

The announcer announced them to the crowd. A lot of the people were nearly catatonic, but those who knew what was going on were happy to see them. They had make quite an impression on the crowd during a patriotic concert on July 4.

The first song the boys did was "Joy To The World." The poor guys forgot the changes they made, but they corrected that problem with their next song, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

"Rudolph the red nose reindeer, had a fucking shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would ever saw it glow. All the fuckin' reindeers, used to fucking call him names, they wouldn't let fuckin' Rudolph join in any Reindeer games. Then one fucking Xmas eve, Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you fuck my sleigh tonight?"

There were scattered laughs in the audience, a few shocked members, and Jack, who was trying to understand what they were singing.

"Hey gang, what are you doing? We're Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks! Hope you enjoy our songs and the changes we made!"

Lots of loud laughter could be heard in the audience at Alvin's announcement. Jack was turning a bright shade of red, probably hoping this would be over before Dave could get there.

It was coming to their penultimate song, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, rechristened here as "Fucking Around The Christmas Tree."

The laughter continued for a full 5 miinutes after the song was finished. Dave walked in right around the time the laughter start to die down.

"Wow Jack, the guys seem to be making the old folks happy. How has it been so far tonight?"

"I don't think you're gonna like this, Dave."

"What did Alvin do, Jack?"

"I think you better watch the words you say around the boys. They've changed the old standards into profanity filled raunch! They just got done singing 'Fuckin' Around The Christmas Tree,' and earlier in the evening they sang a second version of Joy to the World filled with so much swearing i can't begin to repeat it."

"Oh dear fucking Thespia no!"

"It's that kind of language that has gotten you into this mess, Dave."

"I never thought the boys actually heard me say that word, I mean, I never say it around the house."

"Well, whever they've heard it, they sure seem to like it a lot."

"I'll have a talk to them after the show. Away in the Manger is up next, and I know they'd never use that word in this one. They know how special this song is to a lot of people."

"Away in the manger, no crib for a bed..."

"See, so far, so good!"

"The fucking Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head..."


"Uh oh, Dave, what's fucking wrong?"

"I think it's time we had a little talk about your little obsession with this word."

"Sorry fucks, but it looks like Dave is gonna make us stop singing. Hope you enjoyed our show, and keeping fucking around that Christmas tree!"

"Guys, where did you hear that word, and why did you say it in every one of your songs?"

"Well, Dave, I was walking by a construction site, and one of the workers there said it, after he banged his thumb with a hammer. I kept asking people what it meant, but they laughed everytime I said it!"

"Yeah, Dave! We even called the library and the same thing happened."

"So, being a scientist, I used the scientific method to assume this fuck word made people laugh."

"So we saw no harm in putting it into our songs. if anybody needs a laugh, it's these sad, lonely people."

"Guys, you should know this word offends a lot of people. They were only laughing because they thought it was funny somebody so young was repeating it. You shold never use it, especially in religious songs.

"OK, Dave, we're sorry."

"It's all right, Alvin, you guys didn't know better, but you have to promise never to use it again."

"We do!"

"So, Dave?"

"Yeah, Theodore?"

"What does that word mean?"

"Well, this might take a while, so we should continue this in the car. But the world 'fuck' is one of the most unique and complex words in the English language...


Silverlake: Authors / Mediums / Titles / Links / List / About / Plain Style / Fancy Style