Chloe the Dragonslayer,
Or How to Save the World With Rice Balls or Scones, Whichever is Handier
by Käthe

Every three years the Smallville Serpent would awake. The little Kansas town would tremble in fear. And annoyance. They already had to deal with crazy-ass kids and Lionel Luthor flaunting his hair all over the place - a big-ass dragon was just icing on the cake. Or whipped cream on the pie. Mmmm, pie.

For years Kent Farms had taken the lead in pacifying the Smallville Serpent. First it was a couple of chickens. Lately Jonathan Kent had to resort to taking his five best cows out to the clearing beyond Crater Lake and leave them there as an offering.


No one talked openly about the situation. The tabloids were already a little too slap-happy with the town as it was. No one said a word to Chloe Sullivan about the dragon until one day when they couldn't keep silent any longer.


"Uh, hi Mrs. Kent. Mr. Kent."

After a whole summer in Metropolis, Chloe was just trying to get situated back into the small town routine - early morning coffee and a copy of the Planet at the Talon. It was busy for a Saturday, like the whole town had suddenly had a craving for a low-fat mocha latte. Lana must've been thrilled about the boom in business.

This was the first time she had seen Clark's parents since the twisters. Since she had broken things off with Clark. Chloe had no idea how to react. Especially to an extremely chipper Martha Kent and a slightly more agitated Jonathan.

"Can we talk to you for a second, Chloe?"

"Sure." Chloe motioned to the empty seats at her small table. If they wanted to talk about Clark...god, that would be beyond bizarre.

Mrs. Kent took the lead. "Clark's told us that you keep a sort of file on all the strange things that happen in the town."

"Uh, yeah. I call it the Wall of Weird, but right now it's more like the Box of Weird. I had to take it down when I thought I was moving. But what --"

She didn't get to finish her sentence before Mr. Kent interrupted. "Good. You're used to the strange." He turned to his wife, "Martha, I think you're right. She'll be perfect."

"Shhh. Jonathan!"

"Excuse me, but what are you talking about?"

"You're going to be our virgin sacrifice!" Mr. Kent looked pleased as punch. Mrs. Kent on the other hand, visibly paled.

For her part, Chloe was speechless. Or almost speechless. "Um, I really can't --"

"Chloe. I'm so disappointed. We thought you were a nice, quiet girl --"

Realizing what Jonathan thought she was saying, Chloe quickly tried to backtrack. "Oh no. Mr. Kent, I'm good on that front. Pure, chaste, as untouched as the driven snow. The whole nine yards." This was by far the most interesting Saturday morning of her young life. All she had to do was return to Smallville and her life instantly became comic fodder once again. "I was just objecting to the 'sacrifice' part of the offer. I'm not that much into sacrificing. My dad frowns upon it. He says it can't lead to anything good."

Chloe knew she had definitely spent too much time in this town, because she didn't even flinch when the Kents of all people, came to her talking about virgin sacrifices.

Jonathan Kent grew frantic, wringing his large hands and blinking rapidly. "But we need you Chloe. You're the only one!"

Placing a hand on her husband's shoulder, Martha said, "Dear, why don't you get us some more coffee. I'll explain everything to Chloe."

"Sure. Sure. Coffee. I just don't want to lose any more of my cows, Martha. Lex already killed half of them. I can't bear to lose Bessie!"

"Yes dear, now go get the coffee."

The two former women of Metropolis gazed after the man known for calm, platitude-spouting goodness.

"Mrs. Kent?"

"Call me Martha, dear." She reached a hand out to touch Chloe's knee in a gesture of reassurance. "I'll start at the beginning."

Chloe just sat back in her chair and prepared to witness how far Martha Kent had descended into madness.

"About the time of the meteor shower another strange thing happened in the town. What we could only describe as a 'dragon' took up residence outside of the town. It sleeps for three years and then, well, it requests a token from the town or it will destroy us."

"Uh huh."

"I know it all sounds strange and ridiculous, but you've lived here long enough that maybe you could believe it?"

"I'll tell you the truth. If anyone else were telling me this story, I'd laugh in their face. But coming from you, I'm just wondering what funky yeast you've been using in your bread lately."

"It's true Chloe. I don't know how the notes are written or sent, but at first the dragon just requested a few chickens and other small livestock. Then it was a couple of cows. That's what Jonathan was talking about. He gives up his five best cows each time. But this time the dragon has requested that we send a virgin sacrifice."

"And you naturally come to me. What about Lana? Unless...What about all the other girls in town? There's got to be a virgin left somewhere in this town."

"We could've asked Lana but I wanted to ask you."

"I'm honored."

"The reason I wanted to ask you was because I think you're the one to slay the dragon."

"Huh what?"

"You can kill the dragon, Chloe. You're the Chosen One."

"No, I'm really not. I can't even get a guy to choose me, why would some cosmic mumbo jumbo choose me?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Chloe. You're special."

"Okay. Wait a minute. If you just want the dragon dead, why don't you send Clark? He seems to be fairly good at saving the day."

"He's painting the windmill today," Jonathan said as he placed the fresh cups of coffee down on the table. "So you told her?"

"Has everyone gone completely mentally deficient?! You're sending me to slay this dragon while Clark - The Savior of Smallville -- is off painting a windmill?"

"Actually he's repainting it. The rainbow thing was a little gay. I was worried people might think we have gay cows."

Chloe instantly lost all faith she had in Jonathan Kent.

Martha ignored her husband's asinine outburst. "Please Chloe, you're our only hope."


It was one of Chloe's weaknesses; she could never refuse anyone when they quoted Star Wars to her. The smile on Mr. Kent's face made Chloe infinitely more uncomfortable -- it was the kind of grin she associated with the criminally insane.

Chloe thought the whole town had assembled outside the Talon when she stepped outside. Apparently everyone wanted to see if the Kents could get the strange outsider girl to agree to the suicide mission. The Mayor was there, wrinkled and looking like he was chess buddies with the Grim Reaper. Pete was conspicuously absent, but the rest of the high school was there to see her off. Mrs. Kent came out before any sort of wave or cheer could get started and she quietly slipped Chloe a bag about the size of a purse, a nasty-looking sword, and tucked a note into her hand. "This should explain everything, dear."

Chloe just nodded and started to walk out of town. "I'm completely screwed," she muttered.

Once she was outside of the city limits she looked at the note. It told her that she should be able to find the dragon in a certain cave not far from the Luthor property. Why hadn't someone bombed it already if they knew where the dragon lived? But then again, none of this was exactly making sense in the first place. The note went on to explain that there were both rice balls -- which had been flavored with malted sugar -- and scones from the Talon's bakery. Chloe munched on one of the scones as she walked. Mrs. Kent had obviously written the note, and at the end had hinted that Chloe might try to leave the rice balls as bait for the dragon outside the cave.

When Chloe finally reached the cave it was nearing sundown and her feet were sore from walking. She laid two of the rice balls in front of the cave and sat down behind a tree a short distance off. Chloe had no idea how she was really supposed to kill a dragon on her own, but anything was possible in this strange little town - of that she was sure.

Chloe was on her eighth game of solitary rock-paper-scissors when she heard a rustling at the mouth of the cave. Then she heard a grunt and then one of the rice balls went whizzing by her head.

"Hey!" Good going Chloe, just alert the big nasty killer beast to your presence. Smart.

"Chloe?" a voice called out from the cave. A voice that sounded suspiciously like...

She stepped out from behind her tree. "Lex?"

"What are you doing here?" they both asked at the same time, fingers pointed to the other in the growing darkness.

"You're the dragon?" Chloe snorted. "I knew you were a little strange, but this --"

"You're the virgin sacrifice?"

"Yeah. And I was also sent to kill your thieving ass. Two for the price of one. The face was that Mr. Kent thought the dragon," she rolled her eyes and performed air quotes when she said it, "might go back to wanting his cows. The man was close to snapping."

"That's why I asked for the virgin this time around. I just never thought they'd send you. I thought they would send Lana. Then I could scare her just a bit --"

"And this is your idea of entertainment?"

"In this town? Yes. But now that you've found me out, I guess I'll have to find a new game."

"Yeah, sorry about that...freak"

"I guess I should give you something in exchange for slaying the mighty dragon of Smallville."

"You're not going to kiss me, are you?"




"Chloe!" Now there was shaking. What the hell was going on?


"The Talon is closing. I'll get you all the scones you want, but it's time to go home."

A scratchy, low voice. Not Pete. Not Clark.

Chloe groaned. "Lex?"

"Hey there sleeping beauty."

"Wrong fairy tale."

"Excuse me?"

Chloe looked bleary-eyed up at Lex. "Get me drunk enough one of these days and I'll tell you." She began to focus a bit more. "What was that about scones?"


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