What Ails You (The Confessional Remix)
Remix of What Ails You by nostalgia.
There was a time when I hid everything about myself and I was so good that nobody saw through the deceit. Eventually I was found out and it was such a relief to be able to be honest for a change.
Now I've started to lie again. I thought he would see through it but I'm just as good as ever. He makes a joke and my laugh is easy and natural. He asks about my work and I amuse him with countless anecdotes and impress him with my accomplishments. We sit up drinking together till 01:00 and not once does he realise.
After he's gone to bed I stay up and look at the pictures from Selonart. My latest accomplishment. They lost a full third of their population, mostly young and elderly. I was there for a month along with dozens of other doctors and we were unable to cure a single person.
After three weeks we devised a virus to kill the mosquitos that carried the malaria and soon there were no more people being infected. One for the good guys. The Federation triumphs once again. Hooray. Have a medal Dr Bashir.
By 03:00 I'm still staring at the computer screen while my thoughts rage around in my head trying to look for a small pocket of peace.
"There's a quaint little tradition here on Earth, called sleep."
I don't look at O'Brien standing in the doorway. I know he will be mussed from sleep, a concerned look hiding beneath the good natured smile.
"Is there?" My voice remains blank, not giving anything away.
"And I spent three hours this morning cleaning out the guest room. I even did hospital corners."
I start to turn to him but stop and point at the screen instead. "That's malaria."
He places a comforting hand on my shoulder. Trying to be there for his friend. "I heard about Selonart. You did what you could."
A smile appears on my face, somehow it shows my sadness more than any tears would. "Yes, some of my best work. You'd think I'd be proud."
"You saved a lot of lives."
His words are breaking my heart. I can compartmentalise my emotions so easily but he is so earnest. His pride for me is making me sick at myself. I can't keep up the pretence. I finally look at him. "I go to a lot of conferences these days, Miles."
He doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. He just seems confused at the change in topic. "You're good at what you do."
I point at the screen, at the malaria and spell it out. "If you swap these two base pairs, malaria becomes incurable. It looks like a natural mutation, and it would take a damn good doctor to be able to spot it. It would take a much better one to swap them round in the first place."
Suddenly, the room seems a lot colder. "Someone made this?"
I can barely say it. My throat closes up and my voice comes out as a whisper. "I made it." I don't look at him. I just can't stand to see the look in his eyes.
There are about thirty seconds of total silence as the implications hit him. When he speaks next it is a hard, controlled tone.
"31?"
I need to reply but I still can't bring myself to look at him. "Selonart was going to cede from the Federation in the next ten years. After the Dominion War, we aren't very happy about colonies wanting to go it alone." I gesture to the Malaria, to my creation. "But now they've had an all-out medical rescue attempt. The remaining population owe us a lot."
The facade breaks. "You...made an incurable disease...for Section 31?"
I could still back out of this. I can still make him think I was theorising or . . . "Yes."
"For Pete's sake, Julian! What the hell were you thinking? All we went through to bring them down and you go off and work for them. Have you gone crazy? Why did you do it?"
It strikes me that he still trusts me. He is angry but he trusts that I had a good reason. I can hear it in his voice. I meet his gaze. "Ezri."
"Look, I know how much you love her, but she's a grown woman. She's smart. She can take care of herself. You don't have to sell your soul to keep her safe."
I shake my head. "She's pregnant."
His surprise is almost funny. He look quite aggrieved. I bet he's wondering why I didn't tell him the moment I got off the transport. "Did they threaten you? Did they say they'd do something to the baby?"
I wish they had. He would understand that. He might even respect me for it, a man doing what he has to to protect his family. Another disappointment for him. "No. Actually, they were very helpful."
His confusion is growing and I can tell he is about to really explode. "What then? A better job? Latinum? The wedding gift of your choice? A nice little mobile for the nursery?"
Of course I forgive his anger. I need to explain more. "Human and Trill DNA is compatible in about forty-one percent of cases. It turns out to be substantially less so if one of you's had your genes resequenced."
"Christ...couldn't you just adopt?"
I give a weak smile. "It was what she wanted, Miles. Ezri's my weakness and they know it. I"d do anything to make her happy." I have this to hold on to, I am resolute. "Anything."
"Does she know?"
I am almost angry at him for thinking that. I recognise my own guilt lashing out and suppress it. Of course he has to ask. "She thinks it was an old friend of mine. A fertility expert." I smile bitterly. "Sometimes I can be incredibly stupid about the decisions I make."
"I've noticed." The anger is still rolling off him. I want to explain about how it was such a gradual process, a decision so slow that I barely realise how I got to the point of actually designing a bioweapon. Each dealing with 31 tinged with the mildest hint of threat that if I made the wrong decision I wouldn't be walking away. Anyone else could make those excuses but I don't have that luxury. I knew what I was getting myself into and I could have changed things. In the end it was a decision I made.
"Are you saying you wouldn't have done it?" I almost don't ask the question, dreading the denial and condemnation it could bring from him but I have to know.
"I wouldn't've...well...I...I don't know. You can't be hypothetical about these things." He lets out a deep, tired breath and quietly says "you just have to do what you think is best."
It's a truce. I have a feeling of relief for having told someone. "You're the only person I've told. You know what they're like. If anything happens to me..."
"Yeah. I know." His voice is gruff and his expression unreadable. I have a sudden taste of being unable to tell how he really feels.
There are a few minutes of silence. He is staring into the distance, his mind elsewhere, probably on Selonart. Eventually he looks at me. "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
"Girl. We were thinking of calling her Aisha. Maybe Jadzia."
"They're both good names. How far along is she?"
"Two months."
"You know, Keiko's going to kill you for not telling her sooner. Think of all the cooing time she's missed."
And we both laugh at that, and for a moment it's just like old times. For a moment I forget. Then...
"Julian, if anything you do ever threatens Keiko, or the kids..."
"Yeah, I know." There is an understanding between us. I know he won't tell anyone so long as they're safe. I feel an aching sadness that he has to lie now, that I'm making him live with a secret like this.
"Get some sleep. I'm going to beat you at darts tomorrow, and you'll need your strength to cope with the disappointment."
"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" It's an attempt at normality but it sounds stilted and forced.
"Julian?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up." Without another word he leaves .
I wonder if I'll miss his respect.