Lies We Tell Ourselves
by Beth C.

Forget everytime I moaned as you touched me.

Forget everytime I clasped your hand.

Forget everytime I ran my fingers through your hair.

Forget everytime I whispered your name.

Forget everytime you thought I might be able to be your girlfriend.

I'm not like that. I'm not like you. This was a mistake.

I'm not Tara.

The first time we were was nice. The first time I told you I love wasn't a lie. But the first time you put your arm around me in public, in front of other people, in front of my friends...something was wrong.

I'm not being selfish.

Don't you think that you deserve someone who can truly love you? Who can truly embrace your lifestyle? Don't I deserve someone who fufills me? Who can give me what I need?

I'm not lying.

Faith was different. I was different. We were different people. I'm not one of you. I might be the slayer, but that's the only thing different about me. Remember Angel, remember Riley, remember my list of lovers. I like boys, you like girls; simple as that.

Stop crying, please stop crying.

Maybe I loved you once, maybe I thought I could do this. I mean, I still do love you, but not like that. I can't do it, Will. I can't be anything more then a friend to you. I wish I could. I wish things were different. I thought I could be your girlfriend, and do girlfriend things. Hold you while you sleep, be out in public with you, confess to people that maybe I do like girls. But I can't. It's one thing to fantasize about silky skin against your own, or imagine growing old with a person. What you want is something so much different. What you want is real dedication.

I'll remember you.

I used you. I'll admit it, I used you like I used Spike. Your hands, your mouth, your spirit...I used every inch of you to fill parts of me that were left vacant when I came back. I'm a bitch, I'm scum, I'm something I'm ashamed of. That's why I'm stopping now. I can't do this anymore.

Please don't give up on me.

I'll try to never come to you at night again. I'll try to never crawl into bed with you. I'll try to never kiss you again. I can't commit baby, and you deserve something better.

Please don't listen to me.

You deserve someone to bring home to your parents.

Please see the truth.

You deserve someone with Tara's light.

Please hold me.

You deserve something better then me.

I'm nothing, I'm dirt, I'm beneath you.

I'll see you later at the Magic Box. Tell Giles I'll be a few minutes late. We should go shopping this week. Please just be normal to me, it will make this easier. Please forget me and I'll forget you and my life will be right again.

I love you.


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