Such A Darkness
by askye

Wesley was drawn to the memories again and again. He told himself to stop thinking about what had happened in the Hyperion, not to think about how he'd stalked Fred and tried to kill her, but his traitorous mind forced him to relive them. He felt unable to stop. What kind of man was he that he seemed to take pleasure in remembering? What kind of man was he that he would stalk the woman he claimed to care for? Wesley had always thought he of himself as a good man, a moral man, but at Billy's touch he found himself adrift, unable to think of anything but his actions and words, unable to reconcile the awful things he'd done with the freedom he'd felt while doing them, he had felt liberated from the restrictions of polite mores.

He hadn't realized what was happening to him at first; the clammy black thoughts had scurried from the corners of his soul like vermin and infested his mind. They'd over come him in a twisted, terrible seduction; rationality had been quickly lost, and in the small part of his mind that clung to sanity there'd been a childish protest "Please, let this be a dream." He heard familiar words leave his mouth in unfamiliar patterns. Wesley had thought he was a good man, but surely a good man wouldn't be drawn back repeatedly to the memory of what he'd done. He'd tried to rationalize it at first; he told himself that he was only trying to understand how he had become so twisted and black hearted but that didn't explain the sense of -- desire, want, rage, despair--he felt at the memories. Wesley considered himself a failure, but during that night he'd felt in control and strong. He'd felt like a man.

It was horrifying, to feel the power and enjoy the rush of stalking Fred through the dimly lit halls, seeing her as prey. Fred was everything Wesley wanted: beautiful, quick minded, intelligent, just a bit shy and awkward and, during his more self indulgent moments, he allowed himself to think of her as a kindred spirit. He knew how she worshiped and idealized Angel and it hurt him, to be cast in the shadows and only get her second hand looks and affection. That night, they clicked into synchronicity. Fred knew he wanted the glass slides. Of course she would know. They were both scientists of a sort; she understood that part of him. He could offer her intellectual stimulation that Angel never would be able to offer.

Being poisoned by Billy's touch was an accident, he'd taken blood samples and run tests hundreds of times before. Wesley's thoughts had started changing and if he had realized it, he hadn't cared.

"Would you hand me the glass slides?"

Of course she has the slide ready, Fred and I are so much alike, in our intellectual curiosity. She's standing so close; I can smell her, almost feel the brush of her hair against my skin. I know a romantic endeavor with Fred would be so different from those in my past. Fred would understand me, and we have so much in common. Cordelia had said she thought we are destined to be alone, but what does she know? Cordelia lacks intellectual curiosity; I can't believe I ever found her attractive, but I was lured in by her lush body and her flirting, taunting ways. Our kiss was a disaster; she looked and acted like she understood what men wanted and how to respond, but she kissed with such inexperience, wet and open mouthed, drooling just a bit. She'd acted humiliated when it was I who has been humiliated. Cordelia is...not here...

"Speaking of saliva, where's Cordelia?"

Fred is lying to me and not very well. What does she think she needs to hide? Cordelia has gone out and Fred simply can't say that, no she needs to evade the question, lie when the truth is so simple. Women are like that, give them a choice between deception and truth and they pick deception. What made me think Fred is different?

"Lie to me again -- and we're going to have a problem."


She is always deceiving me and teasing me, with her wide eyed innocent look and her simpering ways, taunting me with her skimpy clothes-- but always for Angel---only giving me second hand attention and second hand looks. Fred acts so innocent and naive, as if she doesn't know what it does to me when she comes down here looking like that, flaunting herself. She's a tease. I bet mummy and daddy never explained how the world works, they must have taught her to be a "good girl", but it doesn't seem she learned the lesson well. She descends from her cell only when Angel is available, always wearing skimpy outfits, flaunting her body, smelling so sweet, like sex. Simpering on and on about Angel: how brave he is, how strong he is, what a champion he is. Does she think he prefers helpless women?


Women don't listen, always talking, thinking they are so superior, Fred doesn't listen. She lies to me, she evades me, and she taunts me. She thinks she has power, just like an animal in mating season she flaunts herself to the male she thinks is alpha: Angel. She doesn't think I'm good enough. I'll prove to her that I'm the one with the power, I'm the one to whom she needs to submit.

"...Humiliate us. You think you can do anything you please because you're connected to life. Because you bleed. Is that it? "

Women act so superior, what is it that they think they have over men-- -they can create life. Isn't that what they say? We create life and men create war. They can create life and they complain when they bleed, moan about pain. Ridicule men by saying we can't accept pain, only they know real pain. Magic is creation; men can do magic, men are better at it, and we understand what magic is about. Women want love potions or glamour spells; they don't want to do anything with real power. Fred isn't listening. She doesn't understand the gravity of the situation. She's challenged me, taunted me, she's forcing me to prove my dominance, she doesn't seem to understand I've accepted her challenge, and I'm going to take it. I'll show her what real pain is.

"I'll show you blood."

Such fragile skin over delicate bones, so easy to rend, so easy to bleed. I am going to make her listen, teach her that she can't get away with teasing me, laughing at me, making me look like a fool. Fred is such a simple girl, a child really, spoiled and untamed. Father always said, "spare the rod and spoil the child". Fred's been a child, it's time she learns who's in charge.

The pitter-patter of delicate feet running away. If you want to act like a child, I'll sound reasonable and rational and explain exactly what's going to happen. If you insist on acting like this, I'm going to have to punish you. And she runs, yes typical female, can't stand and face her foe, can't back up her challenge, turns everything into chase. Women beguile me, make me run after them, act like they are the carrot on a stick. Run faster Wes, you might get a bite. Then you treat me like I'm a schoolboy, tease and flirt and then leave me for what you consider a real man.


"Fred? Fred? I know what you're doing...what you're up to..."

Hiding in the dark, so typical. This isn't much of a chase, wish she'd make this more challenging. Has to hide in the dark, can't go to the light where the lies will be exposed. Women have been lying and hiding since the beginning of creation. Dirtying men with your cheap whorish ways, with your false faces and false smiles. Look at the pretty fruit, tastes like honey, come taste it, come taste me.

"You can't come out into the open, can you? No, you hide, you's nothing new, it goes all the way back to Eve. You and the serpent, plotting behind our backs, "here, honey, eat this, it's just an apple!" That's the problem with your sex... you're all weak and you're all dirty and you won't be satisfied until you've brought each and every one of us out of the garden and DOWN INTO THE MUCK WITH YOU!!"


Trying to bring me down in your muck, trying to make me give in to my base desires. You think I'll be held back by morals? You think I won't indulge my desires? I will. You make me do this. You act like a whore and I have to assume this is what you want. I'll show you muck, you're forcing me to bring me down to your level, so I'll indulge myself--what was Faith's motto?---oh yes, want. take. have. Faith was a whore. That's what women do...take what they want, destroy it, grind you down with their petty words and whoring ways. So I'll take what I want, have it and destroy what I don't want.

How trite. Hiding under the bed, haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Making me work to get to you, always about the chase. "You can't have me Wes, you can't touch me Wes."

"Why do you make me do this?"


Doesn't she know she's making me do this? Doesn't she know what this does to me? She teases, she runs and I chase, and she's there. So ripe for the taking, she looks like sex.



She's trying to fight, how sweet. Does she honestly think it will deter me? It makes the game more fun. Especially after I've seen her: panting, face flushed. I don't want a helpless victim who will just lie there, I want someone who will make the game fun.

"I don't run away like a girl. I see things through."

Virginia ran away. She couldn't take the guns, the violence. Poor Virginia, scared of bullets, but not afraid of magic or demons. She wouldn't have looked twice at me if she hadn't thought I was Angel. She would have passed me by, thought I was meek and mild and harmless. Like magic. When I'm finished here, finished with Fred, punished her, destroyed her, I'll find Virginia. Explain to her exactly how dangerous magic can be. How dangerous I can be. I am so damn tired of women thinking I am meek and mild---Fred, Virginia, Cordelia. Oh, our own Cordelia. Yes. Something will need to be done about her. I'll have to see if she actually does any training in those "sessions" with Angel.

Think you can keep me out with a locked door. Let. Me. In. Let Me In. Let. Me. In. Let me in the room. Let me in your body. Going to get inside, make you submit. Make you mine. Teach you a lesson, such a stupid little girl, the lesson won't take the first time will it? How many times will I have to show you before you understand? You are so stupid. Hiding in dark, tiny rooms. You ran upstairs, scuttled to the dark instead of running out to the open, out into the light. It's just like any of my other prey, the demons run into the dark, hide in the corners, can't come into the light. They know the light will expose them, exorcise them. And that's what I'm going to do with you. Catch you and exorcise you from my life.

"Let's finish this."


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